Abusive Teen Relationships On The Rise

An article I wrote a couple of years ago. Just felt like adding it.
Are you being abused?

Now, more than ever, I am seeing stories of young girls in abusive relationships. Many of these young women overlook the signs of an abusive relationship. An abusive relationship does not necessarily mean that one of the partners is being physically beaten-- emotional abuse is also an issue with teens today. The University of Michigan Sexual Assault Prevention and Awareness Center in Ann Arbor, MI defines dating violence as "the intentional use of abusive tactics and physical force in order to obtain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner." Healthy relationships involve respect, trust, and consideration for the other person. According to Dr. Jill Murray's But I Love Him, one in three girls will suffer from an abusive dating experience by the time she graduates high school. More than 8 million girls will suffer at the hands of a violent boyfriend before their 18th birthday. Dr. Murray also states, "Every nine seconds a teenage girl is battered by someone with whom she is in a realtionship." These statistics are much higher than I expected when I first began writing this article.



I was 19 years old when I met a guy who I thought was an amazing boyfriend. He was cute, sweet, took care of me, and really made me feel special at first. As our relationship became more serious, his controlling ways began to surface. But, of course, I didn't see it that way. It started with him convincing me that the friends I had were not really my friends and slowly I began pushing everyone that was close to me out of my life. Eventually, he had me right where he wanted me-- alone with no friends and no one to turn to except him. At that time I felt extremely distant from my family and did not want to listen to anything they had to say. I admit now that he turned me into a horrible person. The longer we dated, the worse things got. He had already pushed all my friends away and there was his chance to get to me. He started monitoring where I went, what I wore, and eventually started going to school with me (he was not a student). It is easy to blend in on a college campus. Not once during these first few months did I think that he was controlling me, let alone abusing me. After time went by though, he became mean. He would scream in my face if things did not go his way and just before my 20th birthday, he hit me for the first time. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. He lived with me at my mom's house and we were in my room arguing. I said something to upset him and he backhanded me across the face. Now, I am not the type of girl to sit back and take a man hitting me so I hit him back, not thinking about the fact that he was a third degree black bet in karate. Meanwhile, our fight continued and I ended up being thrown through a mirror, hit, kicked, and punched more times than I can count. I walked away with a busted lip, a black eye, a cut on my head, and multiple scrapes and bruises. He walked away with two busted ear drums.



And this is where I am like most girls-- I stayed! After our fight, he continued to threaten me and my family if I left him or told anyone what was going on. Eventually, the beatings got worse and became more frequent. During one of our fights, he held a kinfe to my throat and told me he would love to see me die. With as straight a face as possible, I replied, "Go ahead. Make me happy. Send me to my daddy." But, he put the knife down. I was at a point where I could either stay with him and continue down this path or do something to stand up for myself. After the last beating, I chose to stand up for myself. I went to the police and told them everything that had happened. They informed me that I needed to call them right away if he ever contacted me again. That day, I packed up my things and I moved in with a friend. She had moved to a different apartment and he did not know where to even begin looking for me. I dropped out of school and changed jobs so that he could not find me. Now, I live everyday knowing that he is out there somewhere, but that I am no longer the one giving up my life.



Many young girls do not see the signs of abuse. Instead, they make excuses for the things that their boyfriends are doing to them. The following are some signs of both physical and mental abuse:



A. Loosing Friends. If your boyfriend is telling you who he thinks you should and shouldn't hang out with, look for other signs. This may be an early sign of abuse.



B. Controlling Statements. If your boyfriend tells you where to go, what to do, what to wear, says hurtful things, degrades you, calls you names, and so on, these are all signs of mental/emotional abuse.



C. Physical Beating. Any form of pushing, shoving, kicking, hitting, slapping, punching, throwing you down, pulling your arms, shaking your shoulders, etc. is physical abuse.



D. Jealousy. Any type of jealousy or possessiveness is a sign of mental/emotional abuse. It is not a sign of true love, which teen girls often mistake it as. Also, be aware when your boyfriend says "I love you" too soon.



E. Drugs/Alcohol. Both drugs and alcohol inhibit your ability to think rationally. If your boyfriend uses drugs or alcohol frequently, this may be cause for concern.



F. The "Woe Is Me" Attitude. If your boyfriend has a traumatic past and is always telling you about the horrible things his mother/father calls him, this is another sign of abuse. With these types of statements, you boyfriend may be manipulating your mind to make you feel sorry for him. When you feel sorry for him you are vulnerable because women often desire to be the healer, the compassionate one that can make him feel better. This is a very common way for him to get in your head.



Teens often hide that they are being abused for a variety of reasons: they may be afraid, feel guilty, or be used to seeing violence at home. They often have trouble identifying the relationship as abusive or may fear that they will be told they have poor judgement. But those who are there to help understand all of those concerns so do not be afraid to ask for help. You are not alone. There are plenty of teen help wesites and call centers that you can seek help and/or advice from. T.E.A.R (Teens Experiencing Abusive Relationships) is a webstie fully run by teens who have experienced the same situations as those who visit the site for help. A school couneslor, school resource officer (SRO), teacher, close friend, family member, police officer, etc are all adults that are there to protect and help you. An abusive relationship is not something to ignore. If you think you or someone you know is being abused, seek help immediately. Tell someone! Do not sit back and wait-- you may wait too long. Dr. Jill Murray informs her readers of several mind blowing statistics, two of which stuck out in my mind: 25 percent of female homicide victims are between the ages of 15 and 24. Additionally, one in three who are killed in the U.S. are murdered by their boyfriend or husband. If you are being abused, please seek help from an adult or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

A Submissive Wife

"Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." Colossians 3:18.

What does it mean to be a submissive wife? Does it mean to be controlled by your husband? Does it mean to serve him as Jesus serves the church? What exactly does it mean?

Often times I hear women debate this subject, typically believers vs non-believers, and it appears to me as though non-believers have a very erroneous or warped understanding of submissive wives. Taken out of context this text appears to say one thing but when read in it's entirety, the meaning is clear. "Wives, submit to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." Colossians 3:18-21.

The text is stating the rules of a Christian household and addresses all that dwell within it. Being a submissive wife is not about being controlled by your husband, but rather trusting in him entirely. It is taking care of the home completely. It is taking care of the children, him, and yourself both physically and emotionally. In turn, he takes care of the children, you, and himself financially and spiritually. It is about having a partnership with Christ Jesus at the forefront. It is about setting aside your selfish desires to give your husband what he needs, be it emotionally or physically, to fulfill his role in marriage that Christ has laid on him.

Being a submissive wife is difficult. It takes courage, patience, and above all else Jesus to walk with you in it. It takes dedicated prayer, and yet we as women will never be perfect at it. We will continue to fall short, not only in our own eyes but in the eyes of our husbands at times as well. The good news though, is regardless of those short comings, because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross and the grace extended to us through that, He still loves us and will continue to walk with us in our journey. Being a submissive wife is something I want to be, yet something I fail at everyday. How easy would it be to give up and walk away from that lifestyle? How easy would it be to say to him "do it yourself?" The walk away from the Lord is the easiest thing one can do, but the walk along side Him is the most rewarding.

I wanted to write this tonight for a number of reasons. One, to get away from the daily stresses of school, work, and life as it is. And two, to hopefully show one person that is confused by what it means to be a submissive wife, that being submissive is rewarding. We have been given a gift in our husbands, and we should be honored to take such care of it on a daily basis. Being a submissive wife is not being controlled by a man, it is honoring the Lord and nothing is greater than that.