Most of the time I try really hard to be a positive person. Some times, my past comes flooding back to me like a tsunami bringing back all the wreckage in it's wake. Today is one of those days. Sometimes being me is so easy, other times, I look back at certain situations and wonder how i'm not totally utterly and completely fucked up. (excuse the language)

Today is one of those day. As I sit here trying to finish out my day, I am overwhelmed by grief. I miss my dad so much. Random thoughts of him leave me in tears. I can hear his voice in my head. I can smell his cologne that people now days make fun of (which really ticks me off btw). I can see him in my dreams. I know he's here but he's not HERE ya know?!? I know everything happens for a reason and most of the time I'm good at not asking myself or God why but today I can't help it. Why, why did he have to go? There are so many shitty people in this world that don't deserve to be here but they are. Not only him but Jamie, Gpa, Jarod, Cody, Shay... I could go on and on listing the unbelievable amount of people that I know that have died in the last 16 years since I experienced my first death. The anniversary of that fateful moment is tomorrow. 16 years since I first felt what it is like to know you're never going to touch or talk to that person again. 16 years since I first learned what it felt like to know you never told someone how you felt about them. 16 years later, I'm almost numb to the news of people dying. In rare circumstances these days do I shed tears at the loss of another friend. My family is a little different, them I cry for, some of them if I was close to them anyway. That alone makes me wonder about myself. What kind of person can think to themselves, another one bites the dust, when they hear the news of someone passing? Me I guess because I often say it to myself.

Yeah ok so people die all time and everyone deals with it. So why would I wonder how i'm not a total mess of a person? Because my past is much more than just people dying. It's full of stupid decisions, horrible relationships, abuse, heartache, etc.  So many people think they really know me but they dont know half of what i've been through.  I don't share everything with everyone as much as people would like to think I do.  Yeah my mom and sister know MOST things but even they dont know everything.  No one knows everything or the extent to which things have effected me.  I put on a good show but some days are just too much for me.  God says to forgive.  If He can forgive us for all of our sins then we should also forgive right?  And I have.  I have forgiven everyone for the things they've done to me but I am starting to realize I haven't yet forgiven myself for allowing them to happen.  I forgive all the past boyfriends for their cheating ways. I forgive the one that beat me for a year. I forgive the one that vandalized my car, my friends home, and ripped my heart into pieces over and over and over. I forgive friends for lying.  I forgive everyone, but not myself. 

I often replay events in my life and get angry all over again. I wish I could let go of the anger I have with myself.  Was it my fault I was cheated on, no. I've come to learn over the years that cheating is a sign of a persons lack of respect for themselves and ultimately has nothing to do with me. Blaming me or saying I made them do it is just a way for them to feel better about themselves but it was my fault I chose to stay. (just to be clear my husband has NEVER cheated on me and this in no way has ANYTHING to do with him...this is about my past not my present). Was it my fault I got punched, kicked, shoved by a 3rd degree black belt? No. But it is my fault that I chose to do the drugs that chained me to that person like fight dog to his master. Is it my fault that I continued to trust and fight for a relationship that was doomed from the beginning with a guy that was the male version of myself? Yes, yes it is.  

All my life I've let people walk all over me.  It's in my nature to be loyal to a fault.  When I care about someone I hold on really tight and love them with all I have but when I'm done being walked on I can be very vicious. I need to learn to stop being vicious to myself tho.  I am who I am because of these people.  I am who I am because of all of those I've loved and lost. Whether they've been lost from death or they're just no longer a part of my daily life, I am who I am because of them. I gained something from every single one of those relationships.  Whether it was a family member or friend who has passed on or a person I had a relationship with in the past, i've been shaped because of these people and the experiences we shared both good and bad.  That is why I have forgive the people that I needed to forgive and moved on but why do I still hold a grudge with myself for being stupid?  Don't get me wrong, it's not everything that I'm angry with myself for, it's certain things. I'm not angry at myself for staying with an abusive person for so long because I know there were other elements at play with the drugs we were doing that played a huge role in that.  Thank god for my mom and sister helping me through that.  I'm not angry about any of the relationships perse, I'm angry at myself for things that resulted from them.  Things that I thought I was ok with and over the last couple years learned i'm really not and I still hold on to a lot of guilt and shame even though I know I made the best decision at the time.

I'm still angry that I had to watch so many people die.  Not phsyically watch them die in front of me, although i've seen that too, I mean I've just had to go through that so many times.  I know God has a plan for everything but why so many people close to me?  My husband has only been to 1 funeral his entire life and it was a girl from his law school class his first year that he really didn't even know.  He's never lost a family member or friend, nothing.  But me... I've lost more than I can even count.  If I made a list I'd probably leave someone off, that's how many I've lost. 3-4 a year for the last 16 years! How is that right? How is that even fair?  Because it's God's plan, well today, I"m not a fan of God's plan.  His plan hurts but I know the only thing I can do is turn to Him to get through it. What a weird concept. No wonder people question my faith so much. 

I'm really just kind of rambling.  There's absolutely NO point to any of this.  There's no order or rhyme or reason for this post.  It's more just a chance for me to get things off my chest and get out the thoughts that have been on my mind the last few days.  I have a great life and I know that. Through all the pain and heartache, I've come out the other side blessed beyond belief so I really shouldn't be mad at God's plan.  Yes there's been hiccups, mountains, disasters along the way but I am who I am because of them all.  I'm a strong, determined, honest person.  I do everything with passion and love the people in my life with more love than I ever have.  I give my all to everyone in my life.  I dont let people walk on me. I speak my mind. I'm tough, I'm strong, I'm broken, but because of God, I am still beautiful and I am HIS! No one can destroy me! No one!