I don't usually use this blog as an outlet to vent, it's usually to address various topics in society or just reflect on things in life but today I need to just let it rip on what i'm feeling inside. Sometimes I think I hold things together so well no one even knows things are bothering me.
I'm completely overwhelmed with stuff right now. My job is fantastic and I love it but i'm stressing myself out trying to hit numbers that used to be so easy to hit. I dont understand why it's so much more difficult here when i'm busting my butt to make it happen. One appointment this month is completely unacceptable and I'd fire myself if I were boss. There were such high expectations of me and I just feel like i've totally bombed and let everyone down.
Joshua is getting to a stage where he whines constantly. I can handle most things but whining takes me from nice to crazy mom in 2.5 seconds! It's by far the most annoying sound on the planet. He doesn't get what he wants, he whines. He can't do something right, he whines. He doesn't want to go to bed, he whines. He wants milk instead of water, he whines. Why? Why so much whining? It tests my patience like no body's business. I have a VERY well behaved child and some days I find myself snapping at the smallest things and then I feel like a horrible mother because I just yelled and spanked my child. Then, I turn around and hug and kiss him and tell him i'm sorry bc I feel so bad which is probably sending the kid mixed signals and makes me wonder how I haven't been questioned as being nuts yet.
As I'm getting older my anxiety is getting really bad. Things that used to not be a big deal have become a big deal. When things don't go the way I plan them I get anxious and panic and stress over how i'm going to work things out on my own. I say on my own because I try so hard not to bother my husband when his school semester is in, especially near finals. Of course, we're near finals. After this set of finals he's got one more semester and then he'll be a Mr. P, J.D.! He's got enough of his own stressors with school, he doesn't need me piling more on his plate. So, I take everything related to our home and family and put the stress on myself (with the exception of bills bc that's what we believe is part of the mans roll in the family). Sometimes I wonder if anyone, including my husband, realize how many sacrifices I have made while he's in school. Does anyone even notice how accommodating I am to him and his needs? Being the wife of a law student, with child, and working full time is like being a single mom that works full time only I have a second income. Dont' get me wrong, i'm not saying the man doesn't pull his weight in the family because he more than does. He's an amazing husband and an incredible father, I just get overwhelmed having to do so much with Joshua while keeping myself in check too.
I have certain things I've made priority for myself so that I stay sane such as working out and soccer but even those things come with stress. When I want to go to Zumba or go to the gym, Joshua throws a fit because he hates kids club. Every Friday I play soccer and I have to find someone to come to the field to watch Joshua or pay my team captains daughter to watch him. I hate asking my mom for help all the time so I stress myself out exhausting all other options before I ask for her help. There are some events throughout the year that I love to do that I always have to find a sitter for and when I can't, my anxiety goes through the roof at just the thought of having to ask my husband to be home to watch Joshua when he could and should be gone studying.
I'm exhausted at the amount of stress I put on myself but i dont know how to relax and just let things happen. I want to be so organized and planned in everything I do but i'm the most unorganized person I know because it exhausts me to be organized the way I want to. I'm always so tired by the time I get done working, working out, picking up Joshua, making dinner, and getting him bathed and ready for bed I just want to sit down and watch my shows rather than clean the damn house which ALWAYS needs cleaned. I hate the idea of having to clean it EVERY day but that's literally what its going to take to keep it clean. The cleaner the house is the better mood my husband is in. How in the hell do I balance all this stuff? I need to! I want to! I have no idea how to... which in turn leads me back to feeling like a crappy mom and a crappy wife.
I can't even keep the house clean for the man that works his ass off working full time and Acing law school so our family can have a great life! Not a realization I'm welcoming with open arms that's for sure.
I'm exhausted just writing this... I need a drink!
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Thankful for Friends
In honor of November, I'm going to take a few minutes to give thanks to the people that I call friends! It's kind of funny to me how friendship works. When I was younger I had friends that I thought were going to be my best friends forever. As I've grown and realized what being a friend is about some of those people have faded from my life and new friends have filled those spaces. People I never thought I'd be close to are now good friends of mine and some are gone for good.
I'm not a real emotional person face to face so writing how I feel has always been easier for me. Because of this, I have rarely taken the time to tell most of these individuals how I feel about then or what they mean to me. I'm going to take this opportunity to do that one by one.
First and foremost, my very best friend, my brain sharer, my evil twin (ok so we flip flop that title lol) CHRISTA... yes I'm gonna get all sappy on you so just deal with it, you know you love to hear it, you just dont like to say it out loud hahaha (see told ya'll ... twins). Seriously when I first met you what like 4-5 years ago when I was pregnant with Joshua I never would have imagined you'd be my closest friend. We cracked up at how much alike we were but until joining The Dollhouse it was just a pretty cool friend that was a lot like me. Now I can honestly say there is no one in the world I trust more than you (besides family of course - i'm talking non blood/husband stuff here)! I know no matter what I can always text or email you and talk out whatever i'm feeling and you'll be there to laugh at me, give me advice, talk me through whatever it is, etc. I know that if i'm complaining and i'm right you'll back me and if i'm just being an ass you'll tell me I'm being an ass in the oh so Christaly nice way you do haha. There's no one i've ever called my best friend that had that "thing" like us. I say "thing" bc I really dont know how to describe our crazy brain sharing madness we posses lmao. Pretty sure we were supposed to be made more different than a love or hate for sushi and hair color lmao. Anyway I love you to the moon and back like a gazillion trillion million times and THANK YOU for being you and being my best friend!
GOOFY KRISTEN: 2 years ago when Crystal told me she was staying in New Orleans and it was just going to be me and you on the drive home I could have kicked her! I was so nervous about that drive. We had hung out a ton, played soccer on the same teams, and gotten to know each other over the last several years, but I didn't really consider you a "friend" and wasn't really sure how that was gonna turn out lol. Now, I'm soooooooooo unbelievably thankful that she did! It gave us a chance without anyone else to really get to know each other! It's the first time i'd ever talked for like 10 hours straight since I was a boy crazy 13 year old lol. Now you have become one of my closest friends in the world! It's seriously hard for me to imagine a time where we weren't friends even though it really hasn't been THAT long ago! I always talk about my wedding day like you were there and it's weird to me that you weren't part of it. You've been a fantastic friend and I love you so much. You give to our friendship exactly what you want to receive back and that's trust, support, love, encouragement, and time. You take the time, even when I suck at it, to text me just to see whats going on or touch base and I love you for that so much. You've been a huge help to me with Joshua during soccer games, parties, and over the summer when I needed a sitter for a couple days... I dont know many ppl that would have done that other than you! you are one of the most thoughtful, loving people I know and I'm soooo thankful you're a huge part of my life. I wouldn't be the same without you!
TIFF: I pretty much could have written you and Kristen on the same one haha. Being friends with Crystal made being friends with you an off and on kind of thing. Just when I'd get to know you and start to like you she'd pick a fight and you know the drill with that. I am thankful that things happened the way they did and I decided I was done choosing. After being around you for so many years I really just genuinely liked you. You've never been anything but nice to me and always included me in everything that she was invited to. Become such good friends over the last year has really showed me who my real friends are. You and Kristen are the people that I really know are just going to be my life long friends here! I was really actually pretty worried when we went to different teams that I wouldn't be as close to ya'll anymore but it's just proved that our friendship is strong and we are always going to be there for each other! I love you and your entire family dearly. Since getting involved last year with the St Jude Walk and starting the TAKL group together I've felt a real love for your family. Chelsea's passing broke my heart bc we'd all become so involved but more so bc I knew how much pain you and your family were feeling. I love you guys so much and I'm really excited to do more with our group and help more kids like Chelsea!
BRI: Oh my goodness, where to even start with you LOL! I have Christa who is my identical twin and I have you that is pretty much my POLAR OPPOSITE! We are sooooo unbelievably different from each other! When I first joined TD and met you I was pretty sure we'd never really be friends. After meeting you in Dallas I was like man I really like this chick. You were soooo far out of your comfort zone and that Saturday night when you kind of snapped at me I was like ok, she's got some fire in her lol. I knew right then it didn't matter how different we were, we would be friends. I didn't think we'd be as close as we are now though! I haven't wanted to say this bc I felt like it would kind of make me look bad but oh well, it is what it is... Since being friends with you, I have become so much more tolerable of other people. Before when I'd hear ppl were certain faiths or came from certain walks of life I'd kinda distance myself from them but talking to you and learning so much about where you come from and realizing how much I have grown to adore you I realized that I running the risk of pushing great people away bc of an intolerance that is not only just flat out rude, but Biblically wrong! You have no idea how much you have actually taught me about myself and about life in general just through our conversations! I absolutely LOVE the person that you are. You are the sweetest person I have ever met in my life. You are so caring and so loving. You are the most selfless person I've met too! You would give the shirt off your back for someone you love just bc they needed it. That's so rare to find in a person these days. I thank God all the time that He opened my eyes through you. I truly think I'm a nicer person because of you! I love you so much!
PAO: My most beautiful lady lover I never had hahahaha, you my dear are beyond words (but i'm gonna try). I absolutely LOVE YOU! You are incredibly beautiful, feisty as hell (which I LOVE), honest no matter what, and all around FANTASTIC! I know that we can go weeks without really talking and then when we do its like we just talked yesterday! I know that you're always there for me and would bend over backwards to make me happy bc it makes you happy to see those you love happy! You know I'd do the same for you too! Yeah my post yesterday was funny but legit, if people knew how much back ally hookers loved crack they'd say thats a whole lot of damn lovin right there hahaha! You make the worlds most beautiful children and I can NOT wait to meet my new nephew ;)! BLUE DUST COMING YOUR WAY!!! You embody everything I wish I was in a mother. I am a good mom, but you are so far beyond that. I have never seen love for a child like you have for your girls. I dont think there is anything more beautiful in the world that watching you talk about those babies. You have a personality that is larger than life. I love that you are a strong woman that stands tall and carries herself with power yet I know there's a sensitve side that very few get to see that makes you vulnerable. I love that side of you as much as the big bold side! You have become one of my very best friends and I love you sooooooooo much! See you in April!!!!
MEAGHEN: I've literally known you almost my whole life. I dont know if theres much I can say that I didn't already say in your bday letter lol but i'm gonna put some of it here anyway. For 22 years you have NEVER turned your back on me. I've been a horrible friend at times and you just held steadfast in your love for me. People like you dont exist! You're the only friend I had at my baby shower. That's an event that i'll remember for the rest of my life. I was so distraught that the people I called my best friends didn't show but you did! Like I said in my letter it's taken me a REALLY Long time to realize what I had as a friend in you! I am so grateful that you are you and that you are my oldest friend! We've literally gone through everything together! You were there for me in grade school, jr high, high school, dads passing in college, my baby shower, my wedding, and now as adults! I love you so much! I wish you could see the beautiful person you are sometimes! God made a gem with you and a beautiful one! You are amazing in so many ways! I love you so much and I know we'll still be talking about jump roap kidnapping when we're old and i'm sporting a blinged out pink wheel chair! Love you babe with all my heart!!!!
GARZA: Awe my garza larza!!! My bestest man friend EVER! I ♥ you so much! I am soooo damn proud of you too! You courageously served our country on your 2 tours and still took the time to call me when you could! We've come a long way from the days of school bus torture lol! I'm so thankful that you're still a part of my life. You have always been a great friend to me and always been there for good and bad. I am so happy you found a beautiful woman that loves and was actually willing to get to know me. I am looking forward to wedding bells some day lol. Thank you for being you and being my friend. My life wouldn't be the same without you!
JEN: My bffnmhfa!!!! I love you so damn much!!! I am soooo thankful for FB bc I was pretty sure you were lost forever!! I'm even more excited that you moved back bc we've gotten to spend so much more time together!! I absolutely love seeing you with those girls. You have taken on that role with such pride and do a wonderful job. Tarah is really lucky to have a woman like you. I am so thankful that God put you in my life 15 years ago! OMG 15 can you believe that?!?!? AHHH, we're getting old. Anyway, thank you for being you and being one of my best friends! Love you, Tarah, and the girls so much!!!
These are the people that I would call my BEST friends. Yes, there are like 7-8 of them but they are all the best to me. Besides these few people there are so many more of you that I love dearly that I am so thankful to have in my life. If I wrote a love note to all of you i'd be here all day so I'm just going to list some of ya'll, if I miss anyone i'm sorry.
Tami, Janna, Whit, Stacy, and ALL my TD girls I love you guys so much. Thanks for being a part of my life.
Rick & Christina - I love and adore ya'll and am so thankful to have ya'll as friends.
Roxy & Alyssa - I miss ya'll terribly but am very thankful you're still in my life.
Michelle - we've been through so much and you'll always be my sister!
Aly - I've known you all my life! LITERALLY! I love you and am really proud of you!
So there ya have it. Again, i'm sorry if I left anyone out. I really am so thankful for the friends I've been blessed with! You ALL are amazing!
I'm not a real emotional person face to face so writing how I feel has always been easier for me. Because of this, I have rarely taken the time to tell most of these individuals how I feel about then or what they mean to me. I'm going to take this opportunity to do that one by one.
First and foremost, my very best friend, my brain sharer, my evil twin (ok so we flip flop that title lol) CHRISTA... yes I'm gonna get all sappy on you so just deal with it, you know you love to hear it, you just dont like to say it out loud hahaha (see told ya'll ... twins). Seriously when I first met you what like 4-5 years ago when I was pregnant with Joshua I never would have imagined you'd be my closest friend. We cracked up at how much alike we were but until joining The Dollhouse it was just a pretty cool friend that was a lot like me. Now I can honestly say there is no one in the world I trust more than you (besides family of course - i'm talking non blood/husband stuff here)! I know no matter what I can always text or email you and talk out whatever i'm feeling and you'll be there to laugh at me, give me advice, talk me through whatever it is, etc. I know that if i'm complaining and i'm right you'll back me and if i'm just being an ass you'll tell me I'm being an ass in the oh so Christaly nice way you do haha. There's no one i've ever called my best friend that had that "thing" like us. I say "thing" bc I really dont know how to describe our crazy brain sharing madness we posses lmao. Pretty sure we were supposed to be made more different than a love or hate for sushi and hair color lmao. Anyway I love you to the moon and back like a gazillion trillion million times and THANK YOU for being you and being my best friend!
GOOFY KRISTEN: 2 years ago when Crystal told me she was staying in New Orleans and it was just going to be me and you on the drive home I could have kicked her! I was so nervous about that drive. We had hung out a ton, played soccer on the same teams, and gotten to know each other over the last several years, but I didn't really consider you a "friend" and wasn't really sure how that was gonna turn out lol. Now, I'm soooooooooo unbelievably thankful that she did! It gave us a chance without anyone else to really get to know each other! It's the first time i'd ever talked for like 10 hours straight since I was a boy crazy 13 year old lol. Now you have become one of my closest friends in the world! It's seriously hard for me to imagine a time where we weren't friends even though it really hasn't been THAT long ago! I always talk about my wedding day like you were there and it's weird to me that you weren't part of it. You've been a fantastic friend and I love you so much. You give to our friendship exactly what you want to receive back and that's trust, support, love, encouragement, and time. You take the time, even when I suck at it, to text me just to see whats going on or touch base and I love you for that so much. You've been a huge help to me with Joshua during soccer games, parties, and over the summer when I needed a sitter for a couple days... I dont know many ppl that would have done that other than you! you are one of the most thoughtful, loving people I know and I'm soooo thankful you're a huge part of my life. I wouldn't be the same without you!
TIFF: I pretty much could have written you and Kristen on the same one haha. Being friends with Crystal made being friends with you an off and on kind of thing. Just when I'd get to know you and start to like you she'd pick a fight and you know the drill with that. I am thankful that things happened the way they did and I decided I was done choosing. After being around you for so many years I really just genuinely liked you. You've never been anything but nice to me and always included me in everything that she was invited to. Become such good friends over the last year has really showed me who my real friends are. You and Kristen are the people that I really know are just going to be my life long friends here! I was really actually pretty worried when we went to different teams that I wouldn't be as close to ya'll anymore but it's just proved that our friendship is strong and we are always going to be there for each other! I love you and your entire family dearly. Since getting involved last year with the St Jude Walk and starting the TAKL group together I've felt a real love for your family. Chelsea's passing broke my heart bc we'd all become so involved but more so bc I knew how much pain you and your family were feeling. I love you guys so much and I'm really excited to do more with our group and help more kids like Chelsea!
BRI: Oh my goodness, where to even start with you LOL! I have Christa who is my identical twin and I have you that is pretty much my POLAR OPPOSITE! We are sooooo unbelievably different from each other! When I first joined TD and met you I was pretty sure we'd never really be friends. After meeting you in Dallas I was like man I really like this chick. You were soooo far out of your comfort zone and that Saturday night when you kind of snapped at me I was like ok, she's got some fire in her lol. I knew right then it didn't matter how different we were, we would be friends. I didn't think we'd be as close as we are now though! I haven't wanted to say this bc I felt like it would kind of make me look bad but oh well, it is what it is... Since being friends with you, I have become so much more tolerable of other people. Before when I'd hear ppl were certain faiths or came from certain walks of life I'd kinda distance myself from them but talking to you and learning so much about where you come from and realizing how much I have grown to adore you I realized that I running the risk of pushing great people away bc of an intolerance that is not only just flat out rude, but Biblically wrong! You have no idea how much you have actually taught me about myself and about life in general just through our conversations! I absolutely LOVE the person that you are. You are the sweetest person I have ever met in my life. You are so caring and so loving. You are the most selfless person I've met too! You would give the shirt off your back for someone you love just bc they needed it. That's so rare to find in a person these days. I thank God all the time that He opened my eyes through you. I truly think I'm a nicer person because of you! I love you so much!
PAO: My most beautiful lady lover I never had hahahaha, you my dear are beyond words (but i'm gonna try). I absolutely LOVE YOU! You are incredibly beautiful, feisty as hell (which I LOVE), honest no matter what, and all around FANTASTIC! I know that we can go weeks without really talking and then when we do its like we just talked yesterday! I know that you're always there for me and would bend over backwards to make me happy bc it makes you happy to see those you love happy! You know I'd do the same for you too! Yeah my post yesterday was funny but legit, if people knew how much back ally hookers loved crack they'd say thats a whole lot of damn lovin right there hahaha! You make the worlds most beautiful children and I can NOT wait to meet my new nephew ;)! BLUE DUST COMING YOUR WAY!!! You embody everything I wish I was in a mother. I am a good mom, but you are so far beyond that. I have never seen love for a child like you have for your girls. I dont think there is anything more beautiful in the world that watching you talk about those babies. You have a personality that is larger than life. I love that you are a strong woman that stands tall and carries herself with power yet I know there's a sensitve side that very few get to see that makes you vulnerable. I love that side of you as much as the big bold side! You have become one of my very best friends and I love you sooooooooo much! See you in April!!!!
MEAGHEN: I've literally known you almost my whole life. I dont know if theres much I can say that I didn't already say in your bday letter lol but i'm gonna put some of it here anyway. For 22 years you have NEVER turned your back on me. I've been a horrible friend at times and you just held steadfast in your love for me. People like you dont exist! You're the only friend I had at my baby shower. That's an event that i'll remember for the rest of my life. I was so distraught that the people I called my best friends didn't show but you did! Like I said in my letter it's taken me a REALLY Long time to realize what I had as a friend in you! I am so grateful that you are you and that you are my oldest friend! We've literally gone through everything together! You were there for me in grade school, jr high, high school, dads passing in college, my baby shower, my wedding, and now as adults! I love you so much! I wish you could see the beautiful person you are sometimes! God made a gem with you and a beautiful one! You are amazing in so many ways! I love you so much and I know we'll still be talking about jump roap kidnapping when we're old and i'm sporting a blinged out pink wheel chair! Love you babe with all my heart!!!!
GARZA: Awe my garza larza!!! My bestest man friend EVER! I ♥ you so much! I am soooo damn proud of you too! You courageously served our country on your 2 tours and still took the time to call me when you could! We've come a long way from the days of school bus torture lol! I'm so thankful that you're still a part of my life. You have always been a great friend to me and always been there for good and bad. I am so happy you found a beautiful woman that loves and was actually willing to get to know me. I am looking forward to wedding bells some day lol. Thank you for being you and being my friend. My life wouldn't be the same without you!
JEN: My bffnmhfa!!!! I love you so damn much!!! I am soooo thankful for FB bc I was pretty sure you were lost forever!! I'm even more excited that you moved back bc we've gotten to spend so much more time together!! I absolutely love seeing you with those girls. You have taken on that role with such pride and do a wonderful job. Tarah is really lucky to have a woman like you. I am so thankful that God put you in my life 15 years ago! OMG 15 can you believe that?!?!? AHHH, we're getting old. Anyway, thank you for being you and being one of my best friends! Love you, Tarah, and the girls so much!!!
These are the people that I would call my BEST friends. Yes, there are like 7-8 of them but they are all the best to me. Besides these few people there are so many more of you that I love dearly that I am so thankful to have in my life. If I wrote a love note to all of you i'd be here all day so I'm just going to list some of ya'll, if I miss anyone i'm sorry.
Tami, Janna, Whit, Stacy, and ALL my TD girls I love you guys so much. Thanks for being a part of my life.
Rick & Christina - I love and adore ya'll and am so thankful to have ya'll as friends.
Roxy & Alyssa - I miss ya'll terribly but am very thankful you're still in my life.
Michelle - we've been through so much and you'll always be my sister!
Aly - I've known you all my life! LITERALLY! I love you and am really proud of you!
So there ya have it. Again, i'm sorry if I left anyone out. I really am so thankful for the friends I've been blessed with! You ALL are amazing!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Prayers for Friends and Family
This just seems to be the day of huge news. It's made me very aware that I have a lot of praying to do. I feel like all around me things are happening to my friends that is causing stress and there's not a damn thing I can do for them. I'm a helper by nature. I just wish I could help them.
I'm going to explain the situations bc I think they could all use more prayers than just mine but i'm not going to name anyone by name for their privacy.
First, a good friend of mine's cousin has been battling brain cancer for years. I thought things were going well and then we got word that she'd taken a turn for the worst. Hospice was brought in on Monday. Her cancer is too aggressive and there's nothing left to do for her but make her comfortable until the Lord calls her home. This girl has been the center of so much for so long. Last year my friend started a team in for the St. Jude Give Thanks walk in her name. We spent a lot of time and energy planning a fundraiser that, while was executed beautifully, didn't put the attendance we needed. It was a learning experience for sure. This year we're walking again but unfortunately it looks like we'll be walking in her memory instead. She is only 16. I can't imagine what her mother and other family members are feeling. It breaks my heart for my friend that she is probably feeling really helpless too. We have all invested so much time and energy into raising money for her and I feel like i've gotten to know her a little through that even though I have never met her. Maybe it's the empath in me but my heart breaks for this family. Please join me in praying that the Lord take her quickly and with little pain as possible and that He give the family the strength to go on and enjoy the beautiful life they have left. Pray for healing for the family as well. All my love to the family!
Another thing going on with another friend is she has become another victim of debit/credit card theft. Someone has gotten ahold of 2 of her card numbers and has totally wiped her clean. They have taken over $4,000. Now she's stuck fighting with the bank to get reimbursed as well as making sure her work doesn't direct deposit her check on Friday otherwise it will automatically go to the fees and she will have nothing. On top of this her boyfriend broke up with her, work is stressful for her, she isn't sleeping well, and i know she's been struggling with depression for a while now. It just seems like one thing after another for her and to be honest i've done a shit job of being there for her. She's been nothig but a great friend for over 20 years and I haven't even made an effort to check on her recently. Today I messaged her bc it's her birthday. It shouldn't take a birthday or a special occassion for me to reach out to her.
Speaking of, this is just a little side rant, this is the reason I dont have many close friends. I dont take the time to reach out to them. I'm not one that enjoys just sitting and talking on the phone most of the time since i do it for a living but I mean what's stopping me from texting them and just seeing how my friends are doing? I see everyone being super close to other people and can't help feel like there's maybe something wrong with me that I've lost the closeness I once had with certain ppl. Of course there's something wrong, for too long I didn't try and now bc of that i've put myself in this situation. I've lived in my own selfish world for so long I've lost a lot of good friendships I once had. There are only 3 people that I would say I actually feel close to and 2 of them dont even live in the state. I've got to work on being a better friend!
Anyway, enough of my self pity party, please pray for my friend that she find peace within herself and that she get reimbursed this money that was stolen from her. Money doesn't bring happiness, we all know that, but it is a necessity for life and right now she needs it back. While you're at it, pray for me that I pray more diligently and ask the Lord to help make me a better friend to those i love.
And another thing I found out today, another friend of mine has pretty much been forced into a huge life changing decision and is scared and stressed. Due to the nature of the change and privacy for the family, i'm not going to give the details of this situation. I'm just going to ask that you join me in praying that everything they have to get done before this change takes place be done, pray that the Lord gives them both strength and guidance as they begin this new chapter of their lives. Pray for their children.
And finally... I know you're probably thinking how much bad news does a person get told in one day... i've thought that too today. Finally, this next one is for someone that's not a friend but a woman that I have had a difficult relationship with but because of God's gift to me, my husband, I will be tied to for the rest of my life. While I often get frustrated with her, her well being is very important to me. She is my mother in law and I love and respect her more than I show. Last week a woman in Carrollton was followed home and shot in the eye. You all may have seen this story on the news if you are local, if not just google Nancy Howard and you'll see articles. Anyway, my mother in law knew this the Howards through Church and this has really seemed to rattle her cage a bit. It has taken a toll on her emotionally and she's in need of prayer. I found out today that Mrs. Howard was not followed home by a stranger but by a man that her husband hired for $85,000 to kill his wife. Fortunately, Mrs. Howard did not die but is alive and recovering and Mr. Howard is being held in the county jail. I know my Mother in law is relieved that theres not a psychopath on the lose just following older women home and shooting them in the face but it's still never easy knowing something like this happened to one of your friends, especially when it could be turned into CSI episode! Please pray that my MIL find peace with this. I know she has been and will continue to pray for Mrs. Howard and her adult children but she needs prayer as well. And while Mr. Howard is the bad man, he needs prayer as well and i know my MIL is struggling to be able to pray for him. Please pray that she finds the words to pray for that man. The love and faith my MIL has for her savior is so admirable to me and now she needs the prayers.
I know this was really long and if you actually read it all thank you!
I'm going to explain the situations bc I think they could all use more prayers than just mine but i'm not going to name anyone by name for their privacy.
First, a good friend of mine's cousin has been battling brain cancer for years. I thought things were going well and then we got word that she'd taken a turn for the worst. Hospice was brought in on Monday. Her cancer is too aggressive and there's nothing left to do for her but make her comfortable until the Lord calls her home. This girl has been the center of so much for so long. Last year my friend started a team in for the St. Jude Give Thanks walk in her name. We spent a lot of time and energy planning a fundraiser that, while was executed beautifully, didn't put the attendance we needed. It was a learning experience for sure. This year we're walking again but unfortunately it looks like we'll be walking in her memory instead. She is only 16. I can't imagine what her mother and other family members are feeling. It breaks my heart for my friend that she is probably feeling really helpless too. We have all invested so much time and energy into raising money for her and I feel like i've gotten to know her a little through that even though I have never met her. Maybe it's the empath in me but my heart breaks for this family. Please join me in praying that the Lord take her quickly and with little pain as possible and that He give the family the strength to go on and enjoy the beautiful life they have left. Pray for healing for the family as well. All my love to the family!
Another thing going on with another friend is she has become another victim of debit/credit card theft. Someone has gotten ahold of 2 of her card numbers and has totally wiped her clean. They have taken over $4,000. Now she's stuck fighting with the bank to get reimbursed as well as making sure her work doesn't direct deposit her check on Friday otherwise it will automatically go to the fees and she will have nothing. On top of this her boyfriend broke up with her, work is stressful for her, she isn't sleeping well, and i know she's been struggling with depression for a while now. It just seems like one thing after another for her and to be honest i've done a shit job of being there for her. She's been nothig but a great friend for over 20 years and I haven't even made an effort to check on her recently. Today I messaged her bc it's her birthday. It shouldn't take a birthday or a special occassion for me to reach out to her.
Speaking of, this is just a little side rant, this is the reason I dont have many close friends. I dont take the time to reach out to them. I'm not one that enjoys just sitting and talking on the phone most of the time since i do it for a living but I mean what's stopping me from texting them and just seeing how my friends are doing? I see everyone being super close to other people and can't help feel like there's maybe something wrong with me that I've lost the closeness I once had with certain ppl. Of course there's something wrong, for too long I didn't try and now bc of that i've put myself in this situation. I've lived in my own selfish world for so long I've lost a lot of good friendships I once had. There are only 3 people that I would say I actually feel close to and 2 of them dont even live in the state. I've got to work on being a better friend!
Anyway, enough of my self pity party, please pray for my friend that she find peace within herself and that she get reimbursed this money that was stolen from her. Money doesn't bring happiness, we all know that, but it is a necessity for life and right now she needs it back. While you're at it, pray for me that I pray more diligently and ask the Lord to help make me a better friend to those i love.
And another thing I found out today, another friend of mine has pretty much been forced into a huge life changing decision and is scared and stressed. Due to the nature of the change and privacy for the family, i'm not going to give the details of this situation. I'm just going to ask that you join me in praying that everything they have to get done before this change takes place be done, pray that the Lord gives them both strength and guidance as they begin this new chapter of their lives. Pray for their children.
And finally... I know you're probably thinking how much bad news does a person get told in one day... i've thought that too today. Finally, this next one is for someone that's not a friend but a woman that I have had a difficult relationship with but because of God's gift to me, my husband, I will be tied to for the rest of my life. While I often get frustrated with her, her well being is very important to me. She is my mother in law and I love and respect her more than I show. Last week a woman in Carrollton was followed home and shot in the eye. You all may have seen this story on the news if you are local, if not just google Nancy Howard and you'll see articles. Anyway, my mother in law knew this the Howards through Church and this has really seemed to rattle her cage a bit. It has taken a toll on her emotionally and she's in need of prayer. I found out today that Mrs. Howard was not followed home by a stranger but by a man that her husband hired for $85,000 to kill his wife. Fortunately, Mrs. Howard did not die but is alive and recovering and Mr. Howard is being held in the county jail. I know my Mother in law is relieved that theres not a psychopath on the lose just following older women home and shooting them in the face but it's still never easy knowing something like this happened to one of your friends, especially when it could be turned into CSI episode! Please pray that my MIL find peace with this. I know she has been and will continue to pray for Mrs. Howard and her adult children but she needs prayer as well. And while Mr. Howard is the bad man, he needs prayer as well and i know my MIL is struggling to be able to pray for him. Please pray that she finds the words to pray for that man. The love and faith my MIL has for her savior is so admirable to me and now she needs the prayers.
I know this was really long and if you actually read it all thank you!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Losing is hard to do
Well apparently I feel the need to blog twice a year lol, at least one random time when something has irked me enough to share my opinion with the world and once around the anniversary of daddy's death. So we're at that time of year again. While people have def irked me lately, this is about the latter of the 2. Thursday will be 8 years since dad passed. Wow! 8 years... doesn't feel like 8 years.
They say things get easier with time and I'll I think that's partially right it's most def partially wrong too. Daily life does get easier, it has to. What other option does one really have in this situation? I mean sure you can dwell on it and let it rule your life or you can suck it up and move on with your life and start new without the people you love. So day to day life gets easier. Anniversaries... not so much.
It never fails about March 20th every year my mood is instantly changed. For a few days I go on asking myself why i'm so whiny or easily upset then it dawns on me. OMG it's March again... oh ok it's depression week GREEEEAATTT! It's not just me either, it subconsciously happens to my mom I think too.
Speaking of my mom. I always wonder how she's really doing. I mean, I know how i'm doing and it's just my dad, I can't imagine how she feels. If I lost David omg i dont even know or want to think of how I'd feel. I guess she's probably like the rest of us and just has to suck it up and go on with her life but damn man. Sometimes I think I want to ask her but I'm just not strong enough to bc I can't fix it for her and that drives me nuts. I will say that one thing good that has come from this awful situation the 3 of us have to live is my relationship with my mom. It wasn't easy at first that's for sure. Bria played mediator on several occasions but after a bit of healing and growing up on my part, my relationship with my mom is amazing. She and my sister are def my best friends! This tragic event brought my family so much closer and for that i'm thankful. I guess it's true there is joy in every tragedy.
I really had no point to this blog today. I just had random thoughts about the upcoming anniversary I needed to get out without someone else comparing their situation to mine or throwing me a pity party. I dont want that. I just want to get it all out. Thank goodness for the interwebs lol.
I miss my dad like crazy but I know he's in a better place and is def watching over me. Here's to another year learning to live without him.
RIP DADDY
They say things get easier with time and I'll I think that's partially right it's most def partially wrong too. Daily life does get easier, it has to. What other option does one really have in this situation? I mean sure you can dwell on it and let it rule your life or you can suck it up and move on with your life and start new without the people you love. So day to day life gets easier. Anniversaries... not so much.
It never fails about March 20th every year my mood is instantly changed. For a few days I go on asking myself why i'm so whiny or easily upset then it dawns on me. OMG it's March again... oh ok it's depression week GREEEEAATTT! It's not just me either, it subconsciously happens to my mom I think too.
Speaking of my mom. I always wonder how she's really doing. I mean, I know how i'm doing and it's just my dad, I can't imagine how she feels. If I lost David omg i dont even know or want to think of how I'd feel. I guess she's probably like the rest of us and just has to suck it up and go on with her life but damn man. Sometimes I think I want to ask her but I'm just not strong enough to bc I can't fix it for her and that drives me nuts. I will say that one thing good that has come from this awful situation the 3 of us have to live is my relationship with my mom. It wasn't easy at first that's for sure. Bria played mediator on several occasions but after a bit of healing and growing up on my part, my relationship with my mom is amazing. She and my sister are def my best friends! This tragic event brought my family so much closer and for that i'm thankful. I guess it's true there is joy in every tragedy.
I really had no point to this blog today. I just had random thoughts about the upcoming anniversary I needed to get out without someone else comparing their situation to mine or throwing me a pity party. I dont want that. I just want to get it all out. Thank goodness for the interwebs lol.
I miss my dad like crazy but I know he's in a better place and is def watching over me. Here's to another year learning to live without him.
RIP DADDY
10/23/65 - 3/29/04
Monday, January 9, 2012
I'm Sexy and I know it: Then & Now
Long before the days of lap band, diet pills, and Spanx women with CURVES were sexy. Up until the 60's around the time Audrey Hepburn graced the big screen in Breakfast At Tiffany's, companies could be found advertising their weight gain products. "Women would you like to gain 5...10lbs... try our product." A full figured woman was sexy. A full figured woman was a sign of health and money. Rail thin women wanted to gain weight to be like full figured women. There were no diet pills or weight loss surgeons. What is considered "fat" today, was beautiful and sexy then. So, what happened?To be honest, I can't answer that factually, but I can somewhat identify where I think we went wrong. When Audrey Hepburn came on the scene people were in awe of her beauty. People wanted to look like her and started defining sexy as looking like her. Thin body, small waist, never more than 103lbs. (According to her biography, "Audrey Hepburn: An Intimate Portrait", she made a vow to herself never to exceed 103 pounds. With the exception of her pregnancies, she succeeded.)
My point here really isn't about Audrey Hepburn at all. It's more about the idea that the average woman (size 12) is looked at as fat these days. The idea that ourselves and our daughters are attacked day in and day out with weight loss gimmicks, a media fueling the fire, and men that have a warped since of what a woman should be. I am not a size 0, hell I'm not even a size 9, but I am beautiful. My husband thinks I'm sexy. At times I think I'm sexy. So why should I have to be ashamed to put on a swim suit? If we were still in the 50's, back when Marilyn Monroe in all her size 13 glory was sexy, I'd be ideal. But we aren't. I think the lesson in all of this is we have to learn to love ourselves the way God made us. We have to accept that with age and child bearing, our bodies change. Most of us will not be what we were in our early 20's before kids. That doesn't mean give up and let yourself go. Our weight and health is more than important and we should exercise and keep fit but we should not obsess over it. We have to learn to love ourselves not only for our own happiness but for the sake of our children. If you don't love yourself how can you expect your daughters to love themselves?
Live well, Laugh Often, and most importantly Love Yourself!!
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