I feel like I want and need to cry but tears allude me. I cried when I told hubs he was gone and have teared up a few times since but now that Lilly has gone back home and I'm free to lose it, I've got nothing. For those that may have missed what's going on, we had quite the eventful day. It started out totally normal. Took J to school, came home and caught up on my shows, and went to pick J up. Normally I would have gone straight back home but today he asked if he could go to the park with his bff and I said yes. We went to the park and played and then headed home an hour later than normal. On the way home we decided to stop at Sonic and get a slush. I noticed an accident on 380 but that's pretty normal so I continued through the parking lot towards sonic. That's when J said "mommy that man on the ground is dead." I looked over and saw a woman performing CPR on one of the accident victims. I told J that he might be and that was sad. We went on to Sonic and got our slush. On the way back everyone was cutting through the parking lot and we were stuck right in front of the accident. We sat and watched as they did CPR and then loaded him in to the ambulance. It was then that I noticed the motorcycle and the backpack on the ground. I thought to myself oh man a motorcycle accident, that's even worse. Finally I was in my neighborhood headed home praying for the man on the ground when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I know that motorcycle. I know that backpack. I know that man on the ground. I knew it was my neighbor but I wanted to be wrong so I ran across the street to make sure he was home safe. Unfortunately, he wasn't. His wife headed for the scene and text me that it was him. She asked me to keep their daughter while she went to the hospital and of course I did. I knew he was gone in my heart but I had no confirmation so I couldn't warn her. I just had to let her go. She went and text me that he was gone.
For the next several hours I would have to look at this beautiful child smiling, playing, and laughing without a worry in the world knowing that my son and I had watched her father die in the middle of the road. I will never get those images out of my head. I can still remember what she was wearing, the CPR lady, I remember her hair, it was blonde, straight, really pretty. I remember her pushing hard and his belly going up and down with each compression but to no avail. He was gone. Lifeless. Now this beautiful 3yr old child will never spend another day with her daddy. No more walks or bike rides around the neighborhood. No more hugs and kisses. Nothing, it's all gone, stripped from her in a matter of seconds. It broke my heart to help fix her tutu after the potty knowing what she was going to hear upon her mother's return. I am somewhat thankful she's young enough that the reality of what's happened isn't going to hit as hard as it would if she were older but I know that as she grows up without him the pain will become real for her. That's heartbreaking to think about.
Jman was quite the trooper today that's for sure. He knew what he saw but the reality of it didn't hit him until after Lilly left and we were able to talk about it. I asked him not to talk about the accident at all because I didn't want Lilly to know what was going on from anyone but her mommy. He said she told him mommy and daddy were at the doctor and we just said mommy would be back soon. J did a great job keeping quiet and just playing with her. Honestly, that's been really hard for me to process. Asking a 5 yr old to keep that kind of secret puts a lot of pressure on a kid but he has handled it like a champ. After she left and we could talk I made sure J understood that the man on the ground did in fact die but that it wasn't just a man on the ground. That man was Lilly's daddy. He was mommy and daddy's friend. He was our neighbor who we talked with outside with the 2 doggies that lived across the street. When J realized who it was on the ground he broke down. He hugged me and cried and asked if he was with Jesus now. I am not sure how the next few days will go for him. He could bounce right back like he never saw anything or we could face some behavioral, emotional struggles as he processes watching a man he knew die. Either way prayers are appreciated for all of us. Hubs was good friends with him as well so he's unsure how to process all this himself.
I feel a little selfish even starting this paragraph and writing about myself but I started writing with the intention of getting everything i'm feeling out. It's my way of processing plus i feel like i need to talk to someone but I dont really want to have a conversation. Weird I know. Anyway, I find myself asking why I was the one that drove by and realized that was my friends husband. Why was I the one to go tell her something was wrong. I already had that kind of moment when I had to tell my own mom her husband was gone. Why was I in this position again. I get that it's not the exact same but the feeling is. How did I know? Why was I SO SURE it was him and he was dead. I knew it from the moment I realized it could be him that it was and he was gone. I hated the feeling but I knew it. Why do I have to feel like that. My intuition is too much for me sometimes. I'm thankful for it but at the same time it does cause me quite a bit of... I don't know what word I'm looking for... sadness maybe... angst... I dunno.
I am baffled that even through writing this I can't cry. I feel so unbelievably sad but there just aren't any tears to be shed. I adore this family. I had great respect and care for this man. He was there in our time of need to watch J when we had emergencies on more than one occasion. He helped hubs with his trail and the bridge he built all the time. We weren't just neighbors, we were friends. I'm so sad tonight. Not sure I will sleep well but I feel exhausted. I really just needed to get everything that was clouding up my head out. If you actually read this, bless you! Please pray for the Millers. Please pray for us and the rest of their family and friends. This is going to be a difficult couple of days for us and even longer for them.
Goodnight.
