I feel like I want and need to cry but tears allude me. I cried when I told hubs he was gone and have teared up a few times since but now that Lilly has gone back home and I'm free to lose it, I've got nothing. For those that may have missed what's going on, we had quite the eventful day. It started out totally normal. Took J to school, came home and caught up on my shows, and went to pick J up. Normally I would have gone straight back home but today he asked if he could go to the park with his bff and I said yes. We went to the park and played and then headed home an hour later than normal. On the way home we decided to stop at Sonic and get a slush. I noticed an accident on 380 but that's pretty normal so I continued through the parking lot towards sonic. That's when J said "mommy that man on the ground is dead." I looked over and saw a woman performing CPR on one of the accident victims. I told J that he might be and that was sad. We went on to Sonic and got our slush. On the way back everyone was cutting through the parking lot and we were stuck right in front of the accident. We sat and watched as they did CPR and then loaded him in to the ambulance. It was then that I noticed the motorcycle and the backpack on the ground. I thought to myself oh man a motorcycle accident, that's even worse. Finally I was in my neighborhood headed home praying for the man on the ground when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I know that motorcycle. I know that backpack. I know that man on the ground. I knew it was my neighbor but I wanted to be wrong so I ran across the street to make sure he was home safe. Unfortunately, he wasn't. His wife headed for the scene and text me that it was him. She asked me to keep their daughter while she went to the hospital and of course I did. I knew he was gone in my heart but I had no confirmation so I couldn't warn her. I just had to let her go. She went and text me that he was gone.
For the next several hours I would have to look at this beautiful child smiling, playing, and laughing without a worry in the world knowing that my son and I had watched her father die in the middle of the road. I will never get those images out of my head. I can still remember what she was wearing, the CPR lady, I remember her hair, it was blonde, straight, really pretty. I remember her pushing hard and his belly going up and down with each compression but to no avail. He was gone. Lifeless. Now this beautiful 3yr old child will never spend another day with her daddy. No more walks or bike rides around the neighborhood. No more hugs and kisses. Nothing, it's all gone, stripped from her in a matter of seconds. It broke my heart to help fix her tutu after the potty knowing what she was going to hear upon her mother's return. I am somewhat thankful she's young enough that the reality of what's happened isn't going to hit as hard as it would if she were older but I know that as she grows up without him the pain will become real for her. That's heartbreaking to think about.
Jman was quite the trooper today that's for sure. He knew what he saw but the reality of it didn't hit him until after Lilly left and we were able to talk about it. I asked him not to talk about the accident at all because I didn't want Lilly to know what was going on from anyone but her mommy. He said she told him mommy and daddy were at the doctor and we just said mommy would be back soon. J did a great job keeping quiet and just playing with her. Honestly, that's been really hard for me to process. Asking a 5 yr old to keep that kind of secret puts a lot of pressure on a kid but he has handled it like a champ. After she left and we could talk I made sure J understood that the man on the ground did in fact die but that it wasn't just a man on the ground. That man was Lilly's daddy. He was mommy and daddy's friend. He was our neighbor who we talked with outside with the 2 doggies that lived across the street. When J realized who it was on the ground he broke down. He hugged me and cried and asked if he was with Jesus now. I am not sure how the next few days will go for him. He could bounce right back like he never saw anything or we could face some behavioral, emotional struggles as he processes watching a man he knew die. Either way prayers are appreciated for all of us. Hubs was good friends with him as well so he's unsure how to process all this himself.
I feel a little selfish even starting this paragraph and writing about myself but I started writing with the intention of getting everything i'm feeling out. It's my way of processing plus i feel like i need to talk to someone but I dont really want to have a conversation. Weird I know. Anyway, I find myself asking why I was the one that drove by and realized that was my friends husband. Why was I the one to go tell her something was wrong. I already had that kind of moment when I had to tell my own mom her husband was gone. Why was I in this position again. I get that it's not the exact same but the feeling is. How did I know? Why was I SO SURE it was him and he was dead. I knew it from the moment I realized it could be him that it was and he was gone. I hated the feeling but I knew it. Why do I have to feel like that. My intuition is too much for me sometimes. I'm thankful for it but at the same time it does cause me quite a bit of... I don't know what word I'm looking for... sadness maybe... angst... I dunno.
I am baffled that even through writing this I can't cry. I feel so unbelievably sad but there just aren't any tears to be shed. I adore this family. I had great respect and care for this man. He was there in our time of need to watch J when we had emergencies on more than one occasion. He helped hubs with his trail and the bridge he built all the time. We weren't just neighbors, we were friends. I'm so sad tonight. Not sure I will sleep well but I feel exhausted. I really just needed to get everything that was clouding up my head out. If you actually read this, bless you! Please pray for the Millers. Please pray for us and the rest of their family and friends. This is going to be a difficult couple of days for us and even longer for them.
Goodnight.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Fake it til you make it... right?
I'm feeling very discouraged. I'm hoping that if I get it out in the open and off my chest it will make me feel better and tomorrow I will be able to get back in a good routine. I've been on this weight loss journey since... well since I had my son 4 years ago really but got back to being serious about it July 30, 2012. Since then I've lost around 30lbs. Since I hit that 30lb mark I feel like I've been slacking. I got content and now i'm paying the price.
My workouts are going fine. I'm still doing Insanity, although the feeling of not wanting to do it is creeping up more and more frequently but I continue to push through and when I haven't pushed through I can always count on my husband to push me. Tonight was one of those nights. I was so tired, from my lack of sleep lately, that I decided to sit and watch American Idol instead of work out. By the time he got home it was almost 9pm and as I finished up my show I said well I guess I wont do my workout. I was using him being home and in the living room as an excuse. He said I couldn't skip it and went and cleaned up some space in our son's playroom for me to workout. Without him I probably would have skipped it. I have asked him to hold me accountable so he's not being rude like some girls would feel if their husbands stayed on them to workout. I asked him to do this bc I know there are days that I will be less motivated than others. Anyway, my point is it's happening more and more and I think it's really a result of not getting enough sleep but regardless I'm doing them. I'm also moving more at work, taking walk at breaks, taking the stairs, parking further, I even started doing a different set of quick exercise for every bathroom break (10 squats, 10 jumping jacks, planks, etc... in my office not the bathroom lol). So, my activity really isn't the issue. I'm working out fine.
Working out is fine and dandy but it's really just spinning your wheels if you're following it up with a good diet. My diet is ok. I've been trying to eat more clean but that's so confusing and restrictive I just don't know about that BUT i'm trying. Breakfast and lunch are a piece of cake for the most part... Dinner... not so much. Again the problem goes back to being tired. I usually try to get home with enough time to do my workout before having to go pick up my son. So I do that and then go pick him up around 6pm and then get home and have to make dinner. Some days on my way home from getting him I decide we should go out to eat. I do it with ever intention of getting something healthy and sticking within my points (i'm on weight watchers too) but when I order what comes out of my mouth... or goes in my mouth rather... is not at all what I had planned. I just need to stop going out but I get so burnt out cooking meals and then having to turn around and clean it all up! UGH it's so frustrating! But then I look in the mirror on the days I don't eat well and all I see is a fat stomach. It's literally like my stomach grows 3 inches of fat after one meal that's not perfect! Having a dang c-section doesn't help matters bc now that they cut through my lower abdominal muscles it's so hard to tighten that up. I have days that I look in the mirror and i'm so proud of what I've accomplished and then I have days like today where i'm disgusted with whats still there. Why can't I just focus on the positive!
I have been doing so well for so long that I think people just expect that I'm doing great. People are constantly telling me how much of an inspiration I am and how they wish they had my motivation and I keep thinking to myself, I love that I'm having an impact on people and inspiring them but man sometimes that's a hard thing to carry around with you. I feel like I have bottle up that i'm struggling sometimes bc I don't them to not be inspired anymore or something. I don't know... it all seems very strange and quite selfish as i'm typing this. The truth of the matter is I am struggling. I'm struggling to find my motivation to do get through one whole week being good with my diet. I'm struggling to find my energy to just live life. I'm struggling with anxiety over the future being unknown after hubs graduates. I'm struggling to find a balance between what I have to do for myself and what I need to do for my son. I focus more on working out and getting by body in shape than I do on playing with him and spending time with him. I feel like if I ease up on myself I'll fail... AGAIN... bc I have so many times. I just dont know how to find the time to do everything. How do I get enough sleep so that I'm functioning enough to do my job well (literally my job job the one I go to every day), workout, spend time with my son, keep up with household chores, and keep my mind right all at the same time? I can't manage my time well enough for this and I feel like i'm losing my mind. I'm exhausted.
Now I sit here frustrated that it's 11pm, I just finished my workout and immediately started writing this. I still have to go shower and make my lunch for tomorrow so that i'm not running late again in the morning. I have to make sure everything is ready for Joshua's school day tomorrow. I wont be in bed until after midnight and will be back up at 6am to start all over again. I don't really know what the point of this was except to get it off my chest. I just feel like I dont have time to do everything I need to do for myself and everyone else that needs me. Being a mom and a wife and woman trying to be more fit is exhausting!
Good Night!
PS: Sorry for the grammatical errors... i'm far to tired to mess with editing this right now.
My workouts are going fine. I'm still doing Insanity, although the feeling of not wanting to do it is creeping up more and more frequently but I continue to push through and when I haven't pushed through I can always count on my husband to push me. Tonight was one of those nights. I was so tired, from my lack of sleep lately, that I decided to sit and watch American Idol instead of work out. By the time he got home it was almost 9pm and as I finished up my show I said well I guess I wont do my workout. I was using him being home and in the living room as an excuse. He said I couldn't skip it and went and cleaned up some space in our son's playroom for me to workout. Without him I probably would have skipped it. I have asked him to hold me accountable so he's not being rude like some girls would feel if their husbands stayed on them to workout. I asked him to do this bc I know there are days that I will be less motivated than others. Anyway, my point is it's happening more and more and I think it's really a result of not getting enough sleep but regardless I'm doing them. I'm also moving more at work, taking walk at breaks, taking the stairs, parking further, I even started doing a different set of quick exercise for every bathroom break (10 squats, 10 jumping jacks, planks, etc... in my office not the bathroom lol). So, my activity really isn't the issue. I'm working out fine.
Working out is fine and dandy but it's really just spinning your wheels if you're following it up with a good diet. My diet is ok. I've been trying to eat more clean but that's so confusing and restrictive I just don't know about that BUT i'm trying. Breakfast and lunch are a piece of cake for the most part... Dinner... not so much. Again the problem goes back to being tired. I usually try to get home with enough time to do my workout before having to go pick up my son. So I do that and then go pick him up around 6pm and then get home and have to make dinner. Some days on my way home from getting him I decide we should go out to eat. I do it with ever intention of getting something healthy and sticking within my points (i'm on weight watchers too) but when I order what comes out of my mouth... or goes in my mouth rather... is not at all what I had planned. I just need to stop going out but I get so burnt out cooking meals and then having to turn around and clean it all up! UGH it's so frustrating! But then I look in the mirror on the days I don't eat well and all I see is a fat stomach. It's literally like my stomach grows 3 inches of fat after one meal that's not perfect! Having a dang c-section doesn't help matters bc now that they cut through my lower abdominal muscles it's so hard to tighten that up. I have days that I look in the mirror and i'm so proud of what I've accomplished and then I have days like today where i'm disgusted with whats still there. Why can't I just focus on the positive!
I have been doing so well for so long that I think people just expect that I'm doing great. People are constantly telling me how much of an inspiration I am and how they wish they had my motivation and I keep thinking to myself, I love that I'm having an impact on people and inspiring them but man sometimes that's a hard thing to carry around with you. I feel like I have bottle up that i'm struggling sometimes bc I don't them to not be inspired anymore or something. I don't know... it all seems very strange and quite selfish as i'm typing this. The truth of the matter is I am struggling. I'm struggling to find my motivation to do get through one whole week being good with my diet. I'm struggling to find my energy to just live life. I'm struggling with anxiety over the future being unknown after hubs graduates. I'm struggling to find a balance between what I have to do for myself and what I need to do for my son. I focus more on working out and getting by body in shape than I do on playing with him and spending time with him. I feel like if I ease up on myself I'll fail... AGAIN... bc I have so many times. I just dont know how to find the time to do everything. How do I get enough sleep so that I'm functioning enough to do my job well (literally my job job the one I go to every day), workout, spend time with my son, keep up with household chores, and keep my mind right all at the same time? I can't manage my time well enough for this and I feel like i'm losing my mind. I'm exhausted.
Now I sit here frustrated that it's 11pm, I just finished my workout and immediately started writing this. I still have to go shower and make my lunch for tomorrow so that i'm not running late again in the morning. I have to make sure everything is ready for Joshua's school day tomorrow. I wont be in bed until after midnight and will be back up at 6am to start all over again. I don't really know what the point of this was except to get it off my chest. I just feel like I dont have time to do everything I need to do for myself and everyone else that needs me. Being a mom and a wife and woman trying to be more fit is exhausting!
Good Night!
PS: Sorry for the grammatical errors... i'm far to tired to mess with editing this right now.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Most of the time I try really hard to be a positive person. Some times, my past comes flooding back to me like a tsunami bringing back all the wreckage in it's wake. Today is one of those days. Sometimes being me is so easy, other times, I look back at certain situations and wonder how i'm not totally utterly and completely fucked up. (excuse the language)
Today is one of those day. As I sit here trying to finish out my day, I am overwhelmed by grief. I miss my dad so much. Random thoughts of him leave me in tears. I can hear his voice in my head. I can smell his cologne that people now days make fun of (which really ticks me off btw). I can see him in my dreams. I know he's here but he's not HERE ya know?!? I know everything happens for a reason and most of the time I'm good at not asking myself or God why but today I can't help it. Why, why did he have to go? There are so many shitty people in this world that don't deserve to be here but they are. Not only him but Jamie, Gpa, Jarod, Cody, Shay... I could go on and on listing the unbelievable amount of people that I know that have died in the last 16 years since I experienced my first death. The anniversary of that fateful moment is tomorrow. 16 years since I first felt what it is like to know you're never going to touch or talk to that person again. 16 years since I first learned what it felt like to know you never told someone how you felt about them. 16 years later, I'm almost numb to the news of people dying. In rare circumstances these days do I shed tears at the loss of another friend. My family is a little different, them I cry for, some of them if I was close to them anyway. That alone makes me wonder about myself. What kind of person can think to themselves, another one bites the dust, when they hear the news of someone passing? Me I guess because I often say it to myself.
Yeah ok so people die all time and everyone deals with it. So why would I wonder how i'm not a total mess of a person? Because my past is much more than just people dying. It's full of stupid decisions, horrible relationships, abuse, heartache, etc. So many people think they really know me but they dont know half of what i've been through. I don't share everything with everyone as much as people would like to think I do. Yeah my mom and sister know MOST things but even they dont know everything. No one knows everything or the extent to which things have effected me. I put on a good show but some days are just too much for me. God says to forgive. If He can forgive us for all of our sins then we should also forgive right? And I have. I have forgiven everyone for the things they've done to me but I am starting to realize I haven't yet forgiven myself for allowing them to happen. I forgive all the past boyfriends for their cheating ways. I forgive the one that beat me for a year. I forgive the one that vandalized my car, my friends home, and ripped my heart into pieces over and over and over. I forgive friends for lying. I forgive everyone, but not myself.
I often replay events in my life and get angry all over again. I wish I could let go of the anger I have with myself. Was it my fault I was cheated on, no. I've come to learn over the years that cheating is a sign of a persons lack of respect for themselves and ultimately has nothing to do with me. Blaming me or saying I made them do it is just a way for them to feel better about themselves but it was my fault I chose to stay. (just to be clear my husband has NEVER cheated on me and this in no way has ANYTHING to do with him...this is about my past not my present). Was it my fault I got punched, kicked, shoved by a 3rd degree black belt? No. But it is my fault that I chose to do the drugs that chained me to that person like fight dog to his master. Is it my fault that I continued to trust and fight for a relationship that was doomed from the beginning with a guy that was the male version of myself? Yes, yes it is.
All my life I've let people walk all over me. It's in my nature to be loyal to a fault. When I care about someone I hold on really tight and love them with all I have but when I'm done being walked on I can be very vicious. I need to learn to stop being vicious to myself tho. I am who I am because of these people. I am who I am because of all of those I've loved and lost. Whether they've been lost from death or they're just no longer a part of my daily life, I am who I am because of them. I gained something from every single one of those relationships. Whether it was a family member or friend who has passed on or a person I had a relationship with in the past, i've been shaped because of these people and the experiences we shared both good and bad. That is why I have forgive the people that I needed to forgive and moved on but why do I still hold a grudge with myself for being stupid? Don't get me wrong, it's not everything that I'm angry with myself for, it's certain things. I'm not angry at myself for staying with an abusive person for so long because I know there were other elements at play with the drugs we were doing that played a huge role in that. Thank god for my mom and sister helping me through that. I'm not angry about any of the relationships perse, I'm angry at myself for things that resulted from them. Things that I thought I was ok with and over the last couple years learned i'm really not and I still hold on to a lot of guilt and shame even though I know I made the best decision at the time.
I'm still angry that I had to watch so many people die. Not phsyically watch them die in front of me, although i've seen that too, I mean I've just had to go through that so many times. I know God has a plan for everything but why so many people close to me? My husband has only been to 1 funeral his entire life and it was a girl from his law school class his first year that he really didn't even know. He's never lost a family member or friend, nothing. But me... I've lost more than I can even count. If I made a list I'd probably leave someone off, that's how many I've lost. 3-4 a year for the last 16 years! How is that right? How is that even fair? Because it's God's plan, well today, I"m not a fan of God's plan. His plan hurts but I know the only thing I can do is turn to Him to get through it. What a weird concept. No wonder people question my faith so much.
I'm really just kind of rambling. There's absolutely NO point to any of this. There's no order or rhyme or reason for this post. It's more just a chance for me to get things off my chest and get out the thoughts that have been on my mind the last few days. I have a great life and I know that. Through all the pain and heartache, I've come out the other side blessed beyond belief so I really shouldn't be mad at God's plan. Yes there's been hiccups, mountains, disasters along the way but I am who I am because of them all. I'm a strong, determined, honest person. I do everything with passion and love the people in my life with more love than I ever have. I give my all to everyone in my life. I dont let people walk on me. I speak my mind. I'm tough, I'm strong, I'm broken, but because of God, I am still beautiful and I am HIS! No one can destroy me! No one!
Today is one of those day. As I sit here trying to finish out my day, I am overwhelmed by grief. I miss my dad so much. Random thoughts of him leave me in tears. I can hear his voice in my head. I can smell his cologne that people now days make fun of (which really ticks me off btw). I can see him in my dreams. I know he's here but he's not HERE ya know?!? I know everything happens for a reason and most of the time I'm good at not asking myself or God why but today I can't help it. Why, why did he have to go? There are so many shitty people in this world that don't deserve to be here but they are. Not only him but Jamie, Gpa, Jarod, Cody, Shay... I could go on and on listing the unbelievable amount of people that I know that have died in the last 16 years since I experienced my first death. The anniversary of that fateful moment is tomorrow. 16 years since I first felt what it is like to know you're never going to touch or talk to that person again. 16 years since I first learned what it felt like to know you never told someone how you felt about them. 16 years later, I'm almost numb to the news of people dying. In rare circumstances these days do I shed tears at the loss of another friend. My family is a little different, them I cry for, some of them if I was close to them anyway. That alone makes me wonder about myself. What kind of person can think to themselves, another one bites the dust, when they hear the news of someone passing? Me I guess because I often say it to myself.
Yeah ok so people die all time and everyone deals with it. So why would I wonder how i'm not a total mess of a person? Because my past is much more than just people dying. It's full of stupid decisions, horrible relationships, abuse, heartache, etc. So many people think they really know me but they dont know half of what i've been through. I don't share everything with everyone as much as people would like to think I do. Yeah my mom and sister know MOST things but even they dont know everything. No one knows everything or the extent to which things have effected me. I put on a good show but some days are just too much for me. God says to forgive. If He can forgive us for all of our sins then we should also forgive right? And I have. I have forgiven everyone for the things they've done to me but I am starting to realize I haven't yet forgiven myself for allowing them to happen. I forgive all the past boyfriends for their cheating ways. I forgive the one that beat me for a year. I forgive the one that vandalized my car, my friends home, and ripped my heart into pieces over and over and over. I forgive friends for lying. I forgive everyone, but not myself.
I often replay events in my life and get angry all over again. I wish I could let go of the anger I have with myself. Was it my fault I was cheated on, no. I've come to learn over the years that cheating is a sign of a persons lack of respect for themselves and ultimately has nothing to do with me. Blaming me or saying I made them do it is just a way for them to feel better about themselves but it was my fault I chose to stay. (just to be clear my husband has NEVER cheated on me and this in no way has ANYTHING to do with him...this is about my past not my present). Was it my fault I got punched, kicked, shoved by a 3rd degree black belt? No. But it is my fault that I chose to do the drugs that chained me to that person like fight dog to his master. Is it my fault that I continued to trust and fight for a relationship that was doomed from the beginning with a guy that was the male version of myself? Yes, yes it is.
All my life I've let people walk all over me. It's in my nature to be loyal to a fault. When I care about someone I hold on really tight and love them with all I have but when I'm done being walked on I can be very vicious. I need to learn to stop being vicious to myself tho. I am who I am because of these people. I am who I am because of all of those I've loved and lost. Whether they've been lost from death or they're just no longer a part of my daily life, I am who I am because of them. I gained something from every single one of those relationships. Whether it was a family member or friend who has passed on or a person I had a relationship with in the past, i've been shaped because of these people and the experiences we shared both good and bad. That is why I have forgive the people that I needed to forgive and moved on but why do I still hold a grudge with myself for being stupid? Don't get me wrong, it's not everything that I'm angry with myself for, it's certain things. I'm not angry at myself for staying with an abusive person for so long because I know there were other elements at play with the drugs we were doing that played a huge role in that. Thank god for my mom and sister helping me through that. I'm not angry about any of the relationships perse, I'm angry at myself for things that resulted from them. Things that I thought I was ok with and over the last couple years learned i'm really not and I still hold on to a lot of guilt and shame even though I know I made the best decision at the time.
I'm still angry that I had to watch so many people die. Not phsyically watch them die in front of me, although i've seen that too, I mean I've just had to go through that so many times. I know God has a plan for everything but why so many people close to me? My husband has only been to 1 funeral his entire life and it was a girl from his law school class his first year that he really didn't even know. He's never lost a family member or friend, nothing. But me... I've lost more than I can even count. If I made a list I'd probably leave someone off, that's how many I've lost. 3-4 a year for the last 16 years! How is that right? How is that even fair? Because it's God's plan, well today, I"m not a fan of God's plan. His plan hurts but I know the only thing I can do is turn to Him to get through it. What a weird concept. No wonder people question my faith so much.
I'm really just kind of rambling. There's absolutely NO point to any of this. There's no order or rhyme or reason for this post. It's more just a chance for me to get things off my chest and get out the thoughts that have been on my mind the last few days. I have a great life and I know that. Through all the pain and heartache, I've come out the other side blessed beyond belief so I really shouldn't be mad at God's plan. Yes there's been hiccups, mountains, disasters along the way but I am who I am because of them all. I'm a strong, determined, honest person. I do everything with passion and love the people in my life with more love than I ever have. I give my all to everyone in my life. I dont let people walk on me. I speak my mind. I'm tough, I'm strong, I'm broken, but because of God, I am still beautiful and I am HIS! No one can destroy me! No one!
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Too much stress
I don't usually use this blog as an outlet to vent, it's usually to address various topics in society or just reflect on things in life but today I need to just let it rip on what i'm feeling inside. Sometimes I think I hold things together so well no one even knows things are bothering me.
I'm completely overwhelmed with stuff right now. My job is fantastic and I love it but i'm stressing myself out trying to hit numbers that used to be so easy to hit. I dont understand why it's so much more difficult here when i'm busting my butt to make it happen. One appointment this month is completely unacceptable and I'd fire myself if I were boss. There were such high expectations of me and I just feel like i've totally bombed and let everyone down.
Joshua is getting to a stage where he whines constantly. I can handle most things but whining takes me from nice to crazy mom in 2.5 seconds! It's by far the most annoying sound on the planet. He doesn't get what he wants, he whines. He can't do something right, he whines. He doesn't want to go to bed, he whines. He wants milk instead of water, he whines. Why? Why so much whining? It tests my patience like no body's business. I have a VERY well behaved child and some days I find myself snapping at the smallest things and then I feel like a horrible mother because I just yelled and spanked my child. Then, I turn around and hug and kiss him and tell him i'm sorry bc I feel so bad which is probably sending the kid mixed signals and makes me wonder how I haven't been questioned as being nuts yet.
As I'm getting older my anxiety is getting really bad. Things that used to not be a big deal have become a big deal. When things don't go the way I plan them I get anxious and panic and stress over how i'm going to work things out on my own. I say on my own because I try so hard not to bother my husband when his school semester is in, especially near finals. Of course, we're near finals. After this set of finals he's got one more semester and then he'll be a Mr. P, J.D.! He's got enough of his own stressors with school, he doesn't need me piling more on his plate. So, I take everything related to our home and family and put the stress on myself (with the exception of bills bc that's what we believe is part of the mans roll in the family). Sometimes I wonder if anyone, including my husband, realize how many sacrifices I have made while he's in school. Does anyone even notice how accommodating I am to him and his needs? Being the wife of a law student, with child, and working full time is like being a single mom that works full time only I have a second income. Dont' get me wrong, i'm not saying the man doesn't pull his weight in the family because he more than does. He's an amazing husband and an incredible father, I just get overwhelmed having to do so much with Joshua while keeping myself in check too.
I have certain things I've made priority for myself so that I stay sane such as working out and soccer but even those things come with stress. When I want to go to Zumba or go to the gym, Joshua throws a fit because he hates kids club. Every Friday I play soccer and I have to find someone to come to the field to watch Joshua or pay my team captains daughter to watch him. I hate asking my mom for help all the time so I stress myself out exhausting all other options before I ask for her help. There are some events throughout the year that I love to do that I always have to find a sitter for and when I can't, my anxiety goes through the roof at just the thought of having to ask my husband to be home to watch Joshua when he could and should be gone studying.
I'm exhausted at the amount of stress I put on myself but i dont know how to relax and just let things happen. I want to be so organized and planned in everything I do but i'm the most unorganized person I know because it exhausts me to be organized the way I want to. I'm always so tired by the time I get done working, working out, picking up Joshua, making dinner, and getting him bathed and ready for bed I just want to sit down and watch my shows rather than clean the damn house which ALWAYS needs cleaned. I hate the idea of having to clean it EVERY day but that's literally what its going to take to keep it clean. The cleaner the house is the better mood my husband is in. How in the hell do I balance all this stuff? I need to! I want to! I have no idea how to... which in turn leads me back to feeling like a crappy mom and a crappy wife.
I can't even keep the house clean for the man that works his ass off working full time and Acing law school so our family can have a great life! Not a realization I'm welcoming with open arms that's for sure.
I'm exhausted just writing this... I need a drink!
I'm completely overwhelmed with stuff right now. My job is fantastic and I love it but i'm stressing myself out trying to hit numbers that used to be so easy to hit. I dont understand why it's so much more difficult here when i'm busting my butt to make it happen. One appointment this month is completely unacceptable and I'd fire myself if I were boss. There were such high expectations of me and I just feel like i've totally bombed and let everyone down.
Joshua is getting to a stage where he whines constantly. I can handle most things but whining takes me from nice to crazy mom in 2.5 seconds! It's by far the most annoying sound on the planet. He doesn't get what he wants, he whines. He can't do something right, he whines. He doesn't want to go to bed, he whines. He wants milk instead of water, he whines. Why? Why so much whining? It tests my patience like no body's business. I have a VERY well behaved child and some days I find myself snapping at the smallest things and then I feel like a horrible mother because I just yelled and spanked my child. Then, I turn around and hug and kiss him and tell him i'm sorry bc I feel so bad which is probably sending the kid mixed signals and makes me wonder how I haven't been questioned as being nuts yet.
As I'm getting older my anxiety is getting really bad. Things that used to not be a big deal have become a big deal. When things don't go the way I plan them I get anxious and panic and stress over how i'm going to work things out on my own. I say on my own because I try so hard not to bother my husband when his school semester is in, especially near finals. Of course, we're near finals. After this set of finals he's got one more semester and then he'll be a Mr. P, J.D.! He's got enough of his own stressors with school, he doesn't need me piling more on his plate. So, I take everything related to our home and family and put the stress on myself (with the exception of bills bc that's what we believe is part of the mans roll in the family). Sometimes I wonder if anyone, including my husband, realize how many sacrifices I have made while he's in school. Does anyone even notice how accommodating I am to him and his needs? Being the wife of a law student, with child, and working full time is like being a single mom that works full time only I have a second income. Dont' get me wrong, i'm not saying the man doesn't pull his weight in the family because he more than does. He's an amazing husband and an incredible father, I just get overwhelmed having to do so much with Joshua while keeping myself in check too.
I have certain things I've made priority for myself so that I stay sane such as working out and soccer but even those things come with stress. When I want to go to Zumba or go to the gym, Joshua throws a fit because he hates kids club. Every Friday I play soccer and I have to find someone to come to the field to watch Joshua or pay my team captains daughter to watch him. I hate asking my mom for help all the time so I stress myself out exhausting all other options before I ask for her help. There are some events throughout the year that I love to do that I always have to find a sitter for and when I can't, my anxiety goes through the roof at just the thought of having to ask my husband to be home to watch Joshua when he could and should be gone studying.
I'm exhausted at the amount of stress I put on myself but i dont know how to relax and just let things happen. I want to be so organized and planned in everything I do but i'm the most unorganized person I know because it exhausts me to be organized the way I want to. I'm always so tired by the time I get done working, working out, picking up Joshua, making dinner, and getting him bathed and ready for bed I just want to sit down and watch my shows rather than clean the damn house which ALWAYS needs cleaned. I hate the idea of having to clean it EVERY day but that's literally what its going to take to keep it clean. The cleaner the house is the better mood my husband is in. How in the hell do I balance all this stuff? I need to! I want to! I have no idea how to... which in turn leads me back to feeling like a crappy mom and a crappy wife.
I can't even keep the house clean for the man that works his ass off working full time and Acing law school so our family can have a great life! Not a realization I'm welcoming with open arms that's for sure.
I'm exhausted just writing this... I need a drink!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Thankful for Friends
In honor of November, I'm going to take a few minutes to give thanks to the people that I call friends! It's kind of funny to me how friendship works. When I was younger I had friends that I thought were going to be my best friends forever. As I've grown and realized what being a friend is about some of those people have faded from my life and new friends have filled those spaces. People I never thought I'd be close to are now good friends of mine and some are gone for good.
I'm not a real emotional person face to face so writing how I feel has always been easier for me. Because of this, I have rarely taken the time to tell most of these individuals how I feel about then or what they mean to me. I'm going to take this opportunity to do that one by one.
First and foremost, my very best friend, my brain sharer, my evil twin (ok so we flip flop that title lol) CHRISTA... yes I'm gonna get all sappy on you so just deal with it, you know you love to hear it, you just dont like to say it out loud hahaha (see told ya'll ... twins). Seriously when I first met you what like 4-5 years ago when I was pregnant with Joshua I never would have imagined you'd be my closest friend. We cracked up at how much alike we were but until joining The Dollhouse it was just a pretty cool friend that was a lot like me. Now I can honestly say there is no one in the world I trust more than you (besides family of course - i'm talking non blood/husband stuff here)! I know no matter what I can always text or email you and talk out whatever i'm feeling and you'll be there to laugh at me, give me advice, talk me through whatever it is, etc. I know that if i'm complaining and i'm right you'll back me and if i'm just being an ass you'll tell me I'm being an ass in the oh so Christaly nice way you do haha. There's no one i've ever called my best friend that had that "thing" like us. I say "thing" bc I really dont know how to describe our crazy brain sharing madness we posses lmao. Pretty sure we were supposed to be made more different than a love or hate for sushi and hair color lmao. Anyway I love you to the moon and back like a gazillion trillion million times and THANK YOU for being you and being my best friend!
GOOFY KRISTEN: 2 years ago when Crystal told me she was staying in New Orleans and it was just going to be me and you on the drive home I could have kicked her! I was so nervous about that drive. We had hung out a ton, played soccer on the same teams, and gotten to know each other over the last several years, but I didn't really consider you a "friend" and wasn't really sure how that was gonna turn out lol. Now, I'm soooooooooo unbelievably thankful that she did! It gave us a chance without anyone else to really get to know each other! It's the first time i'd ever talked for like 10 hours straight since I was a boy crazy 13 year old lol. Now you have become one of my closest friends in the world! It's seriously hard for me to imagine a time where we weren't friends even though it really hasn't been THAT long ago! I always talk about my wedding day like you were there and it's weird to me that you weren't part of it. You've been a fantastic friend and I love you so much. You give to our friendship exactly what you want to receive back and that's trust, support, love, encouragement, and time. You take the time, even when I suck at it, to text me just to see whats going on or touch base and I love you for that so much. You've been a huge help to me with Joshua during soccer games, parties, and over the summer when I needed a sitter for a couple days... I dont know many ppl that would have done that other than you! you are one of the most thoughtful, loving people I know and I'm soooo thankful you're a huge part of my life. I wouldn't be the same without you!
TIFF: I pretty much could have written you and Kristen on the same one haha. Being friends with Crystal made being friends with you an off and on kind of thing. Just when I'd get to know you and start to like you she'd pick a fight and you know the drill with that. I am thankful that things happened the way they did and I decided I was done choosing. After being around you for so many years I really just genuinely liked you. You've never been anything but nice to me and always included me in everything that she was invited to. Become such good friends over the last year has really showed me who my real friends are. You and Kristen are the people that I really know are just going to be my life long friends here! I was really actually pretty worried when we went to different teams that I wouldn't be as close to ya'll anymore but it's just proved that our friendship is strong and we are always going to be there for each other! I love you and your entire family dearly. Since getting involved last year with the St Jude Walk and starting the TAKL group together I've felt a real love for your family. Chelsea's passing broke my heart bc we'd all become so involved but more so bc I knew how much pain you and your family were feeling. I love you guys so much and I'm really excited to do more with our group and help more kids like Chelsea!
BRI: Oh my goodness, where to even start with you LOL! I have Christa who is my identical twin and I have you that is pretty much my POLAR OPPOSITE! We are sooooo unbelievably different from each other! When I first joined TD and met you I was pretty sure we'd never really be friends. After meeting you in Dallas I was like man I really like this chick. You were soooo far out of your comfort zone and that Saturday night when you kind of snapped at me I was like ok, she's got some fire in her lol. I knew right then it didn't matter how different we were, we would be friends. I didn't think we'd be as close as we are now though! I haven't wanted to say this bc I felt like it would kind of make me look bad but oh well, it is what it is... Since being friends with you, I have become so much more tolerable of other people. Before when I'd hear ppl were certain faiths or came from certain walks of life I'd kinda distance myself from them but talking to you and learning so much about where you come from and realizing how much I have grown to adore you I realized that I running the risk of pushing great people away bc of an intolerance that is not only just flat out rude, but Biblically wrong! You have no idea how much you have actually taught me about myself and about life in general just through our conversations! I absolutely LOVE the person that you are. You are the sweetest person I have ever met in my life. You are so caring and so loving. You are the most selfless person I've met too! You would give the shirt off your back for someone you love just bc they needed it. That's so rare to find in a person these days. I thank God all the time that He opened my eyes through you. I truly think I'm a nicer person because of you! I love you so much!
PAO: My most beautiful lady lover I never had hahahaha, you my dear are beyond words (but i'm gonna try). I absolutely LOVE YOU! You are incredibly beautiful, feisty as hell (which I LOVE), honest no matter what, and all around FANTASTIC! I know that we can go weeks without really talking and then when we do its like we just talked yesterday! I know that you're always there for me and would bend over backwards to make me happy bc it makes you happy to see those you love happy! You know I'd do the same for you too! Yeah my post yesterday was funny but legit, if people knew how much back ally hookers loved crack they'd say thats a whole lot of damn lovin right there hahaha! You make the worlds most beautiful children and I can NOT wait to meet my new nephew ;)! BLUE DUST COMING YOUR WAY!!! You embody everything I wish I was in a mother. I am a good mom, but you are so far beyond that. I have never seen love for a child like you have for your girls. I dont think there is anything more beautiful in the world that watching you talk about those babies. You have a personality that is larger than life. I love that you are a strong woman that stands tall and carries herself with power yet I know there's a sensitve side that very few get to see that makes you vulnerable. I love that side of you as much as the big bold side! You have become one of my very best friends and I love you sooooooooo much! See you in April!!!!
MEAGHEN: I've literally known you almost my whole life. I dont know if theres much I can say that I didn't already say in your bday letter lol but i'm gonna put some of it here anyway. For 22 years you have NEVER turned your back on me. I've been a horrible friend at times and you just held steadfast in your love for me. People like you dont exist! You're the only friend I had at my baby shower. That's an event that i'll remember for the rest of my life. I was so distraught that the people I called my best friends didn't show but you did! Like I said in my letter it's taken me a REALLY Long time to realize what I had as a friend in you! I am so grateful that you are you and that you are my oldest friend! We've literally gone through everything together! You were there for me in grade school, jr high, high school, dads passing in college, my baby shower, my wedding, and now as adults! I love you so much! I wish you could see the beautiful person you are sometimes! God made a gem with you and a beautiful one! You are amazing in so many ways! I love you so much and I know we'll still be talking about jump roap kidnapping when we're old and i'm sporting a blinged out pink wheel chair! Love you babe with all my heart!!!!
GARZA: Awe my garza larza!!! My bestest man friend EVER! I ♥ you so much! I am soooo damn proud of you too! You courageously served our country on your 2 tours and still took the time to call me when you could! We've come a long way from the days of school bus torture lol! I'm so thankful that you're still a part of my life. You have always been a great friend to me and always been there for good and bad. I am so happy you found a beautiful woman that loves and was actually willing to get to know me. I am looking forward to wedding bells some day lol. Thank you for being you and being my friend. My life wouldn't be the same without you!
JEN: My bffnmhfa!!!! I love you so damn much!!! I am soooo thankful for FB bc I was pretty sure you were lost forever!! I'm even more excited that you moved back bc we've gotten to spend so much more time together!! I absolutely love seeing you with those girls. You have taken on that role with such pride and do a wonderful job. Tarah is really lucky to have a woman like you. I am so thankful that God put you in my life 15 years ago! OMG 15 can you believe that?!?!? AHHH, we're getting old. Anyway, thank you for being you and being one of my best friends! Love you, Tarah, and the girls so much!!!
These are the people that I would call my BEST friends. Yes, there are like 7-8 of them but they are all the best to me. Besides these few people there are so many more of you that I love dearly that I am so thankful to have in my life. If I wrote a love note to all of you i'd be here all day so I'm just going to list some of ya'll, if I miss anyone i'm sorry.
Tami, Janna, Whit, Stacy, and ALL my TD girls I love you guys so much. Thanks for being a part of my life.
Rick & Christina - I love and adore ya'll and am so thankful to have ya'll as friends.
Roxy & Alyssa - I miss ya'll terribly but am very thankful you're still in my life.
Michelle - we've been through so much and you'll always be my sister!
Aly - I've known you all my life! LITERALLY! I love you and am really proud of you!
So there ya have it. Again, i'm sorry if I left anyone out. I really am so thankful for the friends I've been blessed with! You ALL are amazing!
I'm not a real emotional person face to face so writing how I feel has always been easier for me. Because of this, I have rarely taken the time to tell most of these individuals how I feel about then or what they mean to me. I'm going to take this opportunity to do that one by one.
First and foremost, my very best friend, my brain sharer, my evil twin (ok so we flip flop that title lol) CHRISTA... yes I'm gonna get all sappy on you so just deal with it, you know you love to hear it, you just dont like to say it out loud hahaha (see told ya'll ... twins). Seriously when I first met you what like 4-5 years ago when I was pregnant with Joshua I never would have imagined you'd be my closest friend. We cracked up at how much alike we were but until joining The Dollhouse it was just a pretty cool friend that was a lot like me. Now I can honestly say there is no one in the world I trust more than you (besides family of course - i'm talking non blood/husband stuff here)! I know no matter what I can always text or email you and talk out whatever i'm feeling and you'll be there to laugh at me, give me advice, talk me through whatever it is, etc. I know that if i'm complaining and i'm right you'll back me and if i'm just being an ass you'll tell me I'm being an ass in the oh so Christaly nice way you do haha. There's no one i've ever called my best friend that had that "thing" like us. I say "thing" bc I really dont know how to describe our crazy brain sharing madness we posses lmao. Pretty sure we were supposed to be made more different than a love or hate for sushi and hair color lmao. Anyway I love you to the moon and back like a gazillion trillion million times and THANK YOU for being you and being my best friend!
GOOFY KRISTEN: 2 years ago when Crystal told me she was staying in New Orleans and it was just going to be me and you on the drive home I could have kicked her! I was so nervous about that drive. We had hung out a ton, played soccer on the same teams, and gotten to know each other over the last several years, but I didn't really consider you a "friend" and wasn't really sure how that was gonna turn out lol. Now, I'm soooooooooo unbelievably thankful that she did! It gave us a chance without anyone else to really get to know each other! It's the first time i'd ever talked for like 10 hours straight since I was a boy crazy 13 year old lol. Now you have become one of my closest friends in the world! It's seriously hard for me to imagine a time where we weren't friends even though it really hasn't been THAT long ago! I always talk about my wedding day like you were there and it's weird to me that you weren't part of it. You've been a fantastic friend and I love you so much. You give to our friendship exactly what you want to receive back and that's trust, support, love, encouragement, and time. You take the time, even when I suck at it, to text me just to see whats going on or touch base and I love you for that so much. You've been a huge help to me with Joshua during soccer games, parties, and over the summer when I needed a sitter for a couple days... I dont know many ppl that would have done that other than you! you are one of the most thoughtful, loving people I know and I'm soooo thankful you're a huge part of my life. I wouldn't be the same without you!
TIFF: I pretty much could have written you and Kristen on the same one haha. Being friends with Crystal made being friends with you an off and on kind of thing. Just when I'd get to know you and start to like you she'd pick a fight and you know the drill with that. I am thankful that things happened the way they did and I decided I was done choosing. After being around you for so many years I really just genuinely liked you. You've never been anything but nice to me and always included me in everything that she was invited to. Become such good friends over the last year has really showed me who my real friends are. You and Kristen are the people that I really know are just going to be my life long friends here! I was really actually pretty worried when we went to different teams that I wouldn't be as close to ya'll anymore but it's just proved that our friendship is strong and we are always going to be there for each other! I love you and your entire family dearly. Since getting involved last year with the St Jude Walk and starting the TAKL group together I've felt a real love for your family. Chelsea's passing broke my heart bc we'd all become so involved but more so bc I knew how much pain you and your family were feeling. I love you guys so much and I'm really excited to do more with our group and help more kids like Chelsea!
BRI: Oh my goodness, where to even start with you LOL! I have Christa who is my identical twin and I have you that is pretty much my POLAR OPPOSITE! We are sooooo unbelievably different from each other! When I first joined TD and met you I was pretty sure we'd never really be friends. After meeting you in Dallas I was like man I really like this chick. You were soooo far out of your comfort zone and that Saturday night when you kind of snapped at me I was like ok, she's got some fire in her lol. I knew right then it didn't matter how different we were, we would be friends. I didn't think we'd be as close as we are now though! I haven't wanted to say this bc I felt like it would kind of make me look bad but oh well, it is what it is... Since being friends with you, I have become so much more tolerable of other people. Before when I'd hear ppl were certain faiths or came from certain walks of life I'd kinda distance myself from them but talking to you and learning so much about where you come from and realizing how much I have grown to adore you I realized that I running the risk of pushing great people away bc of an intolerance that is not only just flat out rude, but Biblically wrong! You have no idea how much you have actually taught me about myself and about life in general just through our conversations! I absolutely LOVE the person that you are. You are the sweetest person I have ever met in my life. You are so caring and so loving. You are the most selfless person I've met too! You would give the shirt off your back for someone you love just bc they needed it. That's so rare to find in a person these days. I thank God all the time that He opened my eyes through you. I truly think I'm a nicer person because of you! I love you so much!
PAO: My most beautiful lady lover I never had hahahaha, you my dear are beyond words (but i'm gonna try). I absolutely LOVE YOU! You are incredibly beautiful, feisty as hell (which I LOVE), honest no matter what, and all around FANTASTIC! I know that we can go weeks without really talking and then when we do its like we just talked yesterday! I know that you're always there for me and would bend over backwards to make me happy bc it makes you happy to see those you love happy! You know I'd do the same for you too! Yeah my post yesterday was funny but legit, if people knew how much back ally hookers loved crack they'd say thats a whole lot of damn lovin right there hahaha! You make the worlds most beautiful children and I can NOT wait to meet my new nephew ;)! BLUE DUST COMING YOUR WAY!!! You embody everything I wish I was in a mother. I am a good mom, but you are so far beyond that. I have never seen love for a child like you have for your girls. I dont think there is anything more beautiful in the world that watching you talk about those babies. You have a personality that is larger than life. I love that you are a strong woman that stands tall and carries herself with power yet I know there's a sensitve side that very few get to see that makes you vulnerable. I love that side of you as much as the big bold side! You have become one of my very best friends and I love you sooooooooo much! See you in April!!!!
MEAGHEN: I've literally known you almost my whole life. I dont know if theres much I can say that I didn't already say in your bday letter lol but i'm gonna put some of it here anyway. For 22 years you have NEVER turned your back on me. I've been a horrible friend at times and you just held steadfast in your love for me. People like you dont exist! You're the only friend I had at my baby shower. That's an event that i'll remember for the rest of my life. I was so distraught that the people I called my best friends didn't show but you did! Like I said in my letter it's taken me a REALLY Long time to realize what I had as a friend in you! I am so grateful that you are you and that you are my oldest friend! We've literally gone through everything together! You were there for me in grade school, jr high, high school, dads passing in college, my baby shower, my wedding, and now as adults! I love you so much! I wish you could see the beautiful person you are sometimes! God made a gem with you and a beautiful one! You are amazing in so many ways! I love you so much and I know we'll still be talking about jump roap kidnapping when we're old and i'm sporting a blinged out pink wheel chair! Love you babe with all my heart!!!!
GARZA: Awe my garza larza!!! My bestest man friend EVER! I ♥ you so much! I am soooo damn proud of you too! You courageously served our country on your 2 tours and still took the time to call me when you could! We've come a long way from the days of school bus torture lol! I'm so thankful that you're still a part of my life. You have always been a great friend to me and always been there for good and bad. I am so happy you found a beautiful woman that loves and was actually willing to get to know me. I am looking forward to wedding bells some day lol. Thank you for being you and being my friend. My life wouldn't be the same without you!
JEN: My bffnmhfa!!!! I love you so damn much!!! I am soooo thankful for FB bc I was pretty sure you were lost forever!! I'm even more excited that you moved back bc we've gotten to spend so much more time together!! I absolutely love seeing you with those girls. You have taken on that role with such pride and do a wonderful job. Tarah is really lucky to have a woman like you. I am so thankful that God put you in my life 15 years ago! OMG 15 can you believe that?!?!? AHHH, we're getting old. Anyway, thank you for being you and being one of my best friends! Love you, Tarah, and the girls so much!!!
These are the people that I would call my BEST friends. Yes, there are like 7-8 of them but they are all the best to me. Besides these few people there are so many more of you that I love dearly that I am so thankful to have in my life. If I wrote a love note to all of you i'd be here all day so I'm just going to list some of ya'll, if I miss anyone i'm sorry.
Tami, Janna, Whit, Stacy, and ALL my TD girls I love you guys so much. Thanks for being a part of my life.
Rick & Christina - I love and adore ya'll and am so thankful to have ya'll as friends.
Roxy & Alyssa - I miss ya'll terribly but am very thankful you're still in my life.
Michelle - we've been through so much and you'll always be my sister!
Aly - I've known you all my life! LITERALLY! I love you and am really proud of you!
So there ya have it. Again, i'm sorry if I left anyone out. I really am so thankful for the friends I've been blessed with! You ALL are amazing!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Prayers for Friends and Family
This just seems to be the day of huge news. It's made me very aware that I have a lot of praying to do. I feel like all around me things are happening to my friends that is causing stress and there's not a damn thing I can do for them. I'm a helper by nature. I just wish I could help them.
I'm going to explain the situations bc I think they could all use more prayers than just mine but i'm not going to name anyone by name for their privacy.
First, a good friend of mine's cousin has been battling brain cancer for years. I thought things were going well and then we got word that she'd taken a turn for the worst. Hospice was brought in on Monday. Her cancer is too aggressive and there's nothing left to do for her but make her comfortable until the Lord calls her home. This girl has been the center of so much for so long. Last year my friend started a team in for the St. Jude Give Thanks walk in her name. We spent a lot of time and energy planning a fundraiser that, while was executed beautifully, didn't put the attendance we needed. It was a learning experience for sure. This year we're walking again but unfortunately it looks like we'll be walking in her memory instead. She is only 16. I can't imagine what her mother and other family members are feeling. It breaks my heart for my friend that she is probably feeling really helpless too. We have all invested so much time and energy into raising money for her and I feel like i've gotten to know her a little through that even though I have never met her. Maybe it's the empath in me but my heart breaks for this family. Please join me in praying that the Lord take her quickly and with little pain as possible and that He give the family the strength to go on and enjoy the beautiful life they have left. Pray for healing for the family as well. All my love to the family!
Another thing going on with another friend is she has become another victim of debit/credit card theft. Someone has gotten ahold of 2 of her card numbers and has totally wiped her clean. They have taken over $4,000. Now she's stuck fighting with the bank to get reimbursed as well as making sure her work doesn't direct deposit her check on Friday otherwise it will automatically go to the fees and she will have nothing. On top of this her boyfriend broke up with her, work is stressful for her, she isn't sleeping well, and i know she's been struggling with depression for a while now. It just seems like one thing after another for her and to be honest i've done a shit job of being there for her. She's been nothig but a great friend for over 20 years and I haven't even made an effort to check on her recently. Today I messaged her bc it's her birthday. It shouldn't take a birthday or a special occassion for me to reach out to her.
Speaking of, this is just a little side rant, this is the reason I dont have many close friends. I dont take the time to reach out to them. I'm not one that enjoys just sitting and talking on the phone most of the time since i do it for a living but I mean what's stopping me from texting them and just seeing how my friends are doing? I see everyone being super close to other people and can't help feel like there's maybe something wrong with me that I've lost the closeness I once had with certain ppl. Of course there's something wrong, for too long I didn't try and now bc of that i've put myself in this situation. I've lived in my own selfish world for so long I've lost a lot of good friendships I once had. There are only 3 people that I would say I actually feel close to and 2 of them dont even live in the state. I've got to work on being a better friend!
Anyway, enough of my self pity party, please pray for my friend that she find peace within herself and that she get reimbursed this money that was stolen from her. Money doesn't bring happiness, we all know that, but it is a necessity for life and right now she needs it back. While you're at it, pray for me that I pray more diligently and ask the Lord to help make me a better friend to those i love.
And another thing I found out today, another friend of mine has pretty much been forced into a huge life changing decision and is scared and stressed. Due to the nature of the change and privacy for the family, i'm not going to give the details of this situation. I'm just going to ask that you join me in praying that everything they have to get done before this change takes place be done, pray that the Lord gives them both strength and guidance as they begin this new chapter of their lives. Pray for their children.
And finally... I know you're probably thinking how much bad news does a person get told in one day... i've thought that too today. Finally, this next one is for someone that's not a friend but a woman that I have had a difficult relationship with but because of God's gift to me, my husband, I will be tied to for the rest of my life. While I often get frustrated with her, her well being is very important to me. She is my mother in law and I love and respect her more than I show. Last week a woman in Carrollton was followed home and shot in the eye. You all may have seen this story on the news if you are local, if not just google Nancy Howard and you'll see articles. Anyway, my mother in law knew this the Howards through Church and this has really seemed to rattle her cage a bit. It has taken a toll on her emotionally and she's in need of prayer. I found out today that Mrs. Howard was not followed home by a stranger but by a man that her husband hired for $85,000 to kill his wife. Fortunately, Mrs. Howard did not die but is alive and recovering and Mr. Howard is being held in the county jail. I know my Mother in law is relieved that theres not a psychopath on the lose just following older women home and shooting them in the face but it's still never easy knowing something like this happened to one of your friends, especially when it could be turned into CSI episode! Please pray that my MIL find peace with this. I know she has been and will continue to pray for Mrs. Howard and her adult children but she needs prayer as well. And while Mr. Howard is the bad man, he needs prayer as well and i know my MIL is struggling to be able to pray for him. Please pray that she finds the words to pray for that man. The love and faith my MIL has for her savior is so admirable to me and now she needs the prayers.
I know this was really long and if you actually read it all thank you!
I'm going to explain the situations bc I think they could all use more prayers than just mine but i'm not going to name anyone by name for their privacy.
First, a good friend of mine's cousin has been battling brain cancer for years. I thought things were going well and then we got word that she'd taken a turn for the worst. Hospice was brought in on Monday. Her cancer is too aggressive and there's nothing left to do for her but make her comfortable until the Lord calls her home. This girl has been the center of so much for so long. Last year my friend started a team in for the St. Jude Give Thanks walk in her name. We spent a lot of time and energy planning a fundraiser that, while was executed beautifully, didn't put the attendance we needed. It was a learning experience for sure. This year we're walking again but unfortunately it looks like we'll be walking in her memory instead. She is only 16. I can't imagine what her mother and other family members are feeling. It breaks my heart for my friend that she is probably feeling really helpless too. We have all invested so much time and energy into raising money for her and I feel like i've gotten to know her a little through that even though I have never met her. Maybe it's the empath in me but my heart breaks for this family. Please join me in praying that the Lord take her quickly and with little pain as possible and that He give the family the strength to go on and enjoy the beautiful life they have left. Pray for healing for the family as well. All my love to the family!
Another thing going on with another friend is she has become another victim of debit/credit card theft. Someone has gotten ahold of 2 of her card numbers and has totally wiped her clean. They have taken over $4,000. Now she's stuck fighting with the bank to get reimbursed as well as making sure her work doesn't direct deposit her check on Friday otherwise it will automatically go to the fees and she will have nothing. On top of this her boyfriend broke up with her, work is stressful for her, she isn't sleeping well, and i know she's been struggling with depression for a while now. It just seems like one thing after another for her and to be honest i've done a shit job of being there for her. She's been nothig but a great friend for over 20 years and I haven't even made an effort to check on her recently. Today I messaged her bc it's her birthday. It shouldn't take a birthday or a special occassion for me to reach out to her.
Speaking of, this is just a little side rant, this is the reason I dont have many close friends. I dont take the time to reach out to them. I'm not one that enjoys just sitting and talking on the phone most of the time since i do it for a living but I mean what's stopping me from texting them and just seeing how my friends are doing? I see everyone being super close to other people and can't help feel like there's maybe something wrong with me that I've lost the closeness I once had with certain ppl. Of course there's something wrong, for too long I didn't try and now bc of that i've put myself in this situation. I've lived in my own selfish world for so long I've lost a lot of good friendships I once had. There are only 3 people that I would say I actually feel close to and 2 of them dont even live in the state. I've got to work on being a better friend!
Anyway, enough of my self pity party, please pray for my friend that she find peace within herself and that she get reimbursed this money that was stolen from her. Money doesn't bring happiness, we all know that, but it is a necessity for life and right now she needs it back. While you're at it, pray for me that I pray more diligently and ask the Lord to help make me a better friend to those i love.
And another thing I found out today, another friend of mine has pretty much been forced into a huge life changing decision and is scared and stressed. Due to the nature of the change and privacy for the family, i'm not going to give the details of this situation. I'm just going to ask that you join me in praying that everything they have to get done before this change takes place be done, pray that the Lord gives them both strength and guidance as they begin this new chapter of their lives. Pray for their children.
And finally... I know you're probably thinking how much bad news does a person get told in one day... i've thought that too today. Finally, this next one is for someone that's not a friend but a woman that I have had a difficult relationship with but because of God's gift to me, my husband, I will be tied to for the rest of my life. While I often get frustrated with her, her well being is very important to me. She is my mother in law and I love and respect her more than I show. Last week a woman in Carrollton was followed home and shot in the eye. You all may have seen this story on the news if you are local, if not just google Nancy Howard and you'll see articles. Anyway, my mother in law knew this the Howards through Church and this has really seemed to rattle her cage a bit. It has taken a toll on her emotionally and she's in need of prayer. I found out today that Mrs. Howard was not followed home by a stranger but by a man that her husband hired for $85,000 to kill his wife. Fortunately, Mrs. Howard did not die but is alive and recovering and Mr. Howard is being held in the county jail. I know my Mother in law is relieved that theres not a psychopath on the lose just following older women home and shooting them in the face but it's still never easy knowing something like this happened to one of your friends, especially when it could be turned into CSI episode! Please pray that my MIL find peace with this. I know she has been and will continue to pray for Mrs. Howard and her adult children but she needs prayer as well. And while Mr. Howard is the bad man, he needs prayer as well and i know my MIL is struggling to be able to pray for him. Please pray that she finds the words to pray for that man. The love and faith my MIL has for her savior is so admirable to me and now she needs the prayers.
I know this was really long and if you actually read it all thank you!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Losing is hard to do
Well apparently I feel the need to blog twice a year lol, at least one random time when something has irked me enough to share my opinion with the world and once around the anniversary of daddy's death. So we're at that time of year again. While people have def irked me lately, this is about the latter of the 2. Thursday will be 8 years since dad passed. Wow! 8 years... doesn't feel like 8 years.
They say things get easier with time and I'll I think that's partially right it's most def partially wrong too. Daily life does get easier, it has to. What other option does one really have in this situation? I mean sure you can dwell on it and let it rule your life or you can suck it up and move on with your life and start new without the people you love. So day to day life gets easier. Anniversaries... not so much.
It never fails about March 20th every year my mood is instantly changed. For a few days I go on asking myself why i'm so whiny or easily upset then it dawns on me. OMG it's March again... oh ok it's depression week GREEEEAATTT! It's not just me either, it subconsciously happens to my mom I think too.
Speaking of my mom. I always wonder how she's really doing. I mean, I know how i'm doing and it's just my dad, I can't imagine how she feels. If I lost David omg i dont even know or want to think of how I'd feel. I guess she's probably like the rest of us and just has to suck it up and go on with her life but damn man. Sometimes I think I want to ask her but I'm just not strong enough to bc I can't fix it for her and that drives me nuts. I will say that one thing good that has come from this awful situation the 3 of us have to live is my relationship with my mom. It wasn't easy at first that's for sure. Bria played mediator on several occasions but after a bit of healing and growing up on my part, my relationship with my mom is amazing. She and my sister are def my best friends! This tragic event brought my family so much closer and for that i'm thankful. I guess it's true there is joy in every tragedy.
I really had no point to this blog today. I just had random thoughts about the upcoming anniversary I needed to get out without someone else comparing their situation to mine or throwing me a pity party. I dont want that. I just want to get it all out. Thank goodness for the interwebs lol.
I miss my dad like crazy but I know he's in a better place and is def watching over me. Here's to another year learning to live without him.
RIP DADDY
They say things get easier with time and I'll I think that's partially right it's most def partially wrong too. Daily life does get easier, it has to. What other option does one really have in this situation? I mean sure you can dwell on it and let it rule your life or you can suck it up and move on with your life and start new without the people you love. So day to day life gets easier. Anniversaries... not so much.
It never fails about March 20th every year my mood is instantly changed. For a few days I go on asking myself why i'm so whiny or easily upset then it dawns on me. OMG it's March again... oh ok it's depression week GREEEEAATTT! It's not just me either, it subconsciously happens to my mom I think too.
Speaking of my mom. I always wonder how she's really doing. I mean, I know how i'm doing and it's just my dad, I can't imagine how she feels. If I lost David omg i dont even know or want to think of how I'd feel. I guess she's probably like the rest of us and just has to suck it up and go on with her life but damn man. Sometimes I think I want to ask her but I'm just not strong enough to bc I can't fix it for her and that drives me nuts. I will say that one thing good that has come from this awful situation the 3 of us have to live is my relationship with my mom. It wasn't easy at first that's for sure. Bria played mediator on several occasions but after a bit of healing and growing up on my part, my relationship with my mom is amazing. She and my sister are def my best friends! This tragic event brought my family so much closer and for that i'm thankful. I guess it's true there is joy in every tragedy.
I really had no point to this blog today. I just had random thoughts about the upcoming anniversary I needed to get out without someone else comparing their situation to mine or throwing me a pity party. I dont want that. I just want to get it all out. Thank goodness for the interwebs lol.
I miss my dad like crazy but I know he's in a better place and is def watching over me. Here's to another year learning to live without him.
RIP DADDY
10/23/65 - 3/29/04
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